The End

Well, I've certainly gone through a million emotions today! This morning I was all excited because I was seeing her and getting all hyped up. Thought we could go out for some drinks or she could come to mine for some drinks. She texts me at 1pm saying "I've got a couple of hours free what do you fancy doing?" Automatically I feel like I'm just filling in a spot. She said evening. Not afternoon. I'm midway through painting my room; I drop everything to go and get her.

I've had very mixed emotions about what I want to do, whether I want to keep trying to get her back or whether I want to just give up; I'd decided I was going to tell her that I couldn't wait forever, as every time I see her or hear from her I think I've done something right and she's going to try again. So I say this to her and she says "everyone I've talked to says it won't work how I want it to" brilliant, so she's been talking to everyone - who doesn't know me - about our business. She wants nothing more than friends. I have a feeling she's known this all along and has just been stringing me along for her benefit, so she didn't lose me as a friend. She says "you've been my best mate for 8 years" - I don't even deserve the title of friend now, I'm just a mate.

I tell her that I can't do it, I can't keep seeing her, thinking that she's going to try and then her not and me come crashing down. It's all or nothing. Then I want nothing.

I don't understand this girl. At all. I'd rather her tell me she doesn't know than tell me she doesn't want me. She said 2 days ago she was too scared. Not thy she didn't want to. There's a huge difference between not wanting to and being too scared to. She says can't it be both? Well no actually, you either want to but you're too scared or you don't want to.

I shouted at her, I argued with her for the first time. She's glad I got angry, she's glad I've stopped being so nice. I'm only angry because I feel like a mug who has been strung along for 3 bloody weeks. She said she's been selfish, well bloody hell, you couldn't have thought of this 3 weeks ago?!

I told her, she's going to realise what she's done. She's going to realise that she's just chucked away someone who totally accepted her for what she is. All her little faults and 'grossness' - as she puts it, not me. I accepted them all. I love every one of them. Her new found friends who don't know her at all will either get bored and become less frequent or they'll drop her. And I'm worried for her. I'm worried she'll end up on her own, with no one to turn to. Perhaps when she's not spending her evenings with her friend and not spending her nights on his sofa she'll realise what has gone. I don't know if I'll still be waiting.

She's also angry with me because I've made all these changes and want to do everything that she's always wanted. Well I still believe it's better late than never. But if she doesn't, well I've got to deal with it haven't I.

I'm going to get plastered tonight, probably make me feel a million times worse than what I already do, but hell, I'm 23, it's time I started acting like it.