I'm Not Sure This Is Going To Work

Ugh, today has been one of those days.

It has just felt, more, I don't know, lonely.  This feeling isn't very nice.  I'm still alright, just having one of those days.

I text her earlier, asking if she was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday, she said she is and she isn't.  Brilliant, how am I supposed to know what the hell that means?  So, I ask her, she says, she's looking forward to seeing me, because she wants to be friends, but she's not because she's worried I'm reading too much into it.  W.T.F?

I'm just having one of the days where I can't see how the hell she can just up and leave, and in 2 weeks, everything is fine and we're friends.  I'm terrified now, that if I let her read my blog, which was never meant to be the plan, she's going to cut all ties to stop me from 'trying'.  I don't want to not see her, I don't want to not talk to her, I don't want to not text her.  I've seen her twice in 2 weeks.  Once to hand over her stuff, and once to awkwardly walk the dog.  There's been no chance for us to talk properly.  There's been no chance to reconcile.  Is that what she wants?  She told me when she left, after a number of begging texts and phone calls, that if she came back I'd persuade her to stay and things would be ok for a few months and then they'd go back to how they were.  So why is she not offering me a chance to prove her wrong? Is she scared that she'll be unhappy? Is it because that's not what she wants? Is it because she doesn't know what she wants?

I'd rather have her as my girlfriend and see her a couple of times a week, while she's living on some blokes sofa than have her back here and her become unhappy.  Surely that would be enough to show her that I'm determined not to go back to my old ways?  Surely, if she loves me, she'd be willing to do that?  I'm frightened that if I propose this to her, show her my blog etc. she'll run a mile.  Then what chance do I have to show her that I've changed?  I don't know whether to take it slow and see if something happens, or to lay it all on the table and risk losing her altogether.

All I do know, is that I've got one day to decide.

Tomorrow I will post a picture of my cookies and the recipe.  I think they're going to be amazing.