I Need An Outlet

So, here I am again; 8 months down the line.

I should've updated sooner, I know.

A week or so after my last blog post, she came home.  We had a heart to heart, I told her I didn't believe she was truly happy; and she wasn't.  She didn't admit to it at first, in fact it took her several days, but she eventually told me she was leaving him.  She said it wasn't a matter of me or him, he was a somebody who could've been anybody, he was someone who was there, someone who wanted her when she needed to feel wanted.  So we became a couple again.

Honestly it's been great.  It's been a huge relief having the weight of paranoia and jealously that used to hand over me lifted.  I haven't wanted to check her phone, I haven't stopped her from going out, I haven't even not wanted her to go out with friends, it just felt fine, normal, okay.

Well now it's not.  All that work I did, all that trust I worked so hard on is gone; I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair since May.  I don't think I've ever felt this level of betrayal in all my life.  I'm so angry - but not with her.  Not with him either, I'm not one of the people who just blames the other person and sees no fault in their own partner.  I don't really know why I'm not angry at her.  I still have an overwhelming urge to love her, to protect her and to make her happy.

She says she's sorry, that it was just sex and that it didn't mean anything.  A part of me doesn't believe this.  There is photographic evidence that tells me otherwise, it tells me she enjoyed it, she felt comfortable with him, and it makes me sick.  Physically sick.

I had forgiven her before we'd even finished talking.  There wasn't a question, I didn't need time to decide, I just let it happen; I'm not going to fight how I feel, I've learned to just roll with it and let things happen.  I am happy when I'm with her, at the moment I'm also angry and I feel sick, but the happiness is still there.

I'm not done on this subject, and I guess I've returned as this is a positive outlet for my feelings, rather than other negative outlets which I've been known to turn to in the past.

This isn't addressed at anyone in particular, it isn't written for anyone.  It's purely as an outlet for these pent up feelings that I have.

Thanks for reading as always, feel free to share and comment.