Mummy's Birthday

Today is my mum's birthday, we went out for a meal with my Nanny & Pampy to Frankie & Benny's; I've never been there before and it was really nice.  I had a 7oz rump steak and chips, then a chocolate fudge cake for dessert and a woo woo to drink!

This morning my mum took me shopping to get some bits for my room.  She took me shopping and bought me stuff on her birthday! She's nice like that.

I'm Not Sure This Is Going To Work

Ugh, today has been one of those days.

It has just felt, more, I don't know, lonely.  This feeling isn't very nice.  I'm still alright, just having one of those days.

I text her earlier, asking if she was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday, she said she is and she isn't.  Brilliant, how am I supposed to know what the hell that means?  So, I ask her, she says, she's looking forward to seeing me, because she wants to be friends, but she's not because she's worried I'm reading too much into it.  W.T.F?

I'm just having one of the days where I can't see how the hell she can just up and leave, and in 2 weeks, everything is fine and we're friends.  I'm terrified now, that if I let her read my blog, which was never meant to be the plan, she's going to cut all ties to stop me from 'trying'.  I don't want to not see her, I don't want to not talk to her, I don't want to not text her.  I've seen her twice in 2 weeks.  Once to hand over her stuff, and once to awkwardly walk the dog.  There's been no chance for us to talk properly.  There's been no chance to reconcile.  Is that what she wants?  She told me when she left, after a number of begging texts and phone calls, that if she came back I'd persuade her to stay and things would be ok for a few months and then they'd go back to how they were.  So why is she not offering me a chance to prove her wrong? Is she scared that she'll be unhappy? Is it because that's not what she wants? Is it because she doesn't know what she wants?

I'd rather have her as my girlfriend and see her a couple of times a week, while she's living on some blokes sofa than have her back here and her become unhappy.  Surely that would be enough to show her that I'm determined not to go back to my old ways?  Surely, if she loves me, she'd be willing to do that?  I'm frightened that if I propose this to her, show her my blog etc. she'll run a mile.  Then what chance do I have to show her that I've changed?  I don't know whether to take it slow and see if something happens, or to lay it all on the table and risk losing her altogether.

All I do know, is that I've got one day to decide.

Tomorrow I will post a picture of my cookies and the recipe.  I think they're going to be amazing.

Quotations of the Soul

Today, I feel tired.  Tired in the physical sense, not the emotional sense.  She let me in to a secret today; I asked her if she began falling for me again would she deny it, force herself to not feel it - she told me she wouldn't, she said this would make her unhappy.  From this I have concluded that her new goal in life is to be happy.  That is exactly what I am going to do.

I am going to show her the 'me' she fell in love with, the funny, attractive, outgoing girl I was back when I was younger, before mental health and life got in the way.  Before I stopped making an effort with myself, stopped making an effort with us, and stopped making an effort with her.

She's coming over on Sunday; I'm going to bake her favourite cookies (on Saturday I will post the recipe), I'm going to make her a coffee, I'm going to make sure I've made enough fags so that she can smoke mine, instead of having to make her own.  I'm going to try to make her smile, laugh and just enjoy being with me. If I can do that I'm already half way there.  I understand now, she didn't want to be unhappy any more, she didn't want to live her life for me, and she shouldn't have to.  She is looking for one of the simplest, free things in life - happiness.  And I'll be damned if I'm not going to try my hardest to give that to her.  If it doesn't work, it obviously wasn't meant to be.  No one can tell me not to, no one can tell me not to get my hopes up - I'm going with the flow, and if I'm making an effort along the way then good, I should've been doing that a long time ago anyway.

But the main point of today's post was a little blog I happened to come across today.  Say That Again For Me is a wonderful little blog filled with quotes; these are quotes that everyone can relate to at some point or another in their lives.  I have chosen a select few which I can particularly relate to at the moment.  I hope you like them as much as I did.  I hope you can relate to them in some way, shape or form.  Quotations are great for making you feel like you're not alone.  Here we go...