2012 - 2013

I thought 2012 had been a great year.  Up until December when everything went down hill.  But it's picked back up towards the end of December, and I'm feeling pretty positive about 2013.

In 2010 I wrote a new years resolution, it went like this;

In 2011 I promise that it will be a better year, for me and all those I care about. I promise to stop helping the people that don't appreciate it, and use more of my energy on the people who do appreciate it. I promise to put Kim and myself first for a change and do everything possible to make our dreams come true. I also promise to do everything in my power to make myself better so I can be a better person for my wife. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through 2010, and those of you that haven't, I really don't care, I have enough people in my life that do care, and I won't be wasting my energy on you in 2011. Happy New Year everyone.

I didn't write one last year.  I'm not sure why.  I guess because everything was going ok.  I spent NYE here with my SIL (my side) and she spent it at work.  I hated being away from her for NYE. This year is no different.  I miss her.  I wish she would just take some time out of everything, away from everyone and think about her decision.  I don't know if she'd come to the same conclusion or not.  She may do.  She may not.  

I read a blog post a while back from Shades of Shayes it was a fictional piece she had written and it just resounded my thoughts on marriages, relationships etc.  Here it is if you'd like to read it.  Baggage.

I re-read it again yesterday to my SIL (my side) and it hit me all over again.

My new years resolution 2012 is to be happy in 2013.  I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it yet.  But hopefully it'll work itself out.  I don't want 2013 to be without her.  I don't not want her in my life.  But I don't know if we can find some middle ground to meet on.  Somewhere between all or nothing.

Totally forgot how much I enjoy drinking; going from the totally straight to slightly warm and fuzzy, to merry and smiley, haven't yet got to the off my face stage yet, but I'm hoping to at some point.

I need her to know that it's never too late.  It'll never be too late, not in my eyes, not yet.  I'm sure if she comes to me this time next Christmas I'll probably be in a different mind set.  But at the moment, if she changes her mind, and just wants to give something, anything a go.  I'll be here.  I just hope she's still reading my blog.  I still tell her I love her every night before I go to sleep.  She doesn't know that, because really I just tell myself.  But I always make sure I say I love you and good night.  Perhaps in someway it reaches her, through a whisper in her dreams maybe.

Anyway, I'm off to get slaughtered hopefully, and my phone is dying so I won't be able to text her.  Unless I find the charger that's around here somewhere...

Bedroom, Bedroom, Bedroom

It's nearly finished!

Today, my step dad put up my blind, my curtains, mirrors, clock, shelves, lights and telly brackets! He only came over to do the blind haha!

It looks amazing, so much nicer with some of the finishing touches in place, just need to wait for my bedding and other set of furniture!! I will upload photo's when the bedding arrives, at the moment it just looks silly with brown bedding on!  Bedding should hopefully arrive tomorrow as it was Dispatched on Saturday.

All in all today has been a very uneventful day.  I have thought about her, but not as much as yesterday.  I saw she liked something on Facebook and my gut did a few somersaults but that was all!

Spent some of the day at work, some of the day decorating my room and some of it trying to arrange where I'm going for NYE.  Can't believe how quick it's crept up on me.  Feels like everything is coming so fast, pretty soon it'll be valentines day (Eugh) and then my birthday (Yay!)

I think I'm going up to my SIL (my side) for NYE.  Spend it with her and my nephew and niece.  Get drunk, get merry and laugh.  That's what I think I need.

I'm kind of frightened that my floating shelves are going to fall on my head tonight...they're not quite flush with the wall and they're worrying me! I guess if I wake up with a bump in the morning I'll know why!

My bite didn't come out any more, I was quite disappointed since it hurt so much!  Still have a lump and the red teeth marks - god that child can bite!

I wonder if she's still reading this? I wonder if she wants to know what I'm doing?  I really hope that my every second thought will stop being about her soon.  I really do.  It's getting annoying now!

I wonder if she's going to keep my name? I have no idea how I'm going to feel if she changes it on Facebook, I think I'll be gutted.

My Job

Thought I'd change things up a bit today and talk a little about my job.  I'm an escort (love telling people that!) for children with special needs.  I take them to and from school, and also to respite.

Today I was taking one of my regular kids, she's autistic and was going to respite (time away from her family to give her mum a break).  The journey is approximately 45 minutes to an hour long.  I got bit.  She is known for biting, but she doesn't ever give you any warning.  I don't mean that most kids will go "I'm going to bite you now" I mean, she's not aggressive or agitated at all, she's all smiling and then CHOMP!

The bruise wasn't quite out there, I'm expecting it to look worse tomorrow.  Now you can see all the teeth marks - and god knows what she did to the middle bit, it looks a bit like a hickey, but she wasn't sucking, so I have no idea!

She's a lovely kid, and this hasn't put me off working with her, it just really, really, bloody hurt!

Did some more in my bedroom today, even though I felt like crap.  I don't know if it was just the fact that I didn't sleep well last night (was up every hour - Grrrr!) or whether things are catching up with me now.  I hope it's the former and not the latter.

The feature wall is almost finished now, just a few touch ups and the white needs another coat and it'll be all done!  Tomorrow I'm going to put the TV bracket back up, instead of watching it on a chair! Also my blind and curtains need to go up so I'm not getting undressed in front of a wide open window!

Oh, I'm also going to break up the large blue stripe in the middle with a black stripe.  Unless anyone else has a suggestion? I'm open to ideas, I just know it needs breaking up.  Normally, I'd ask her.

It has been really weird today, I haven't spoken to her at all.  I talked to her yesterday about her sister and I think it upset her a bit, but she didn't want to talk to me about it, even though I repeatedly asked if she was ok.  I've wanted to message her all day.  But I haven't.  I've checked Facebook to see if she's been on, she has, but hasn't written anything.  It's not just her being here I miss.  I miss talking to her too.  I miss being able to go "OMG, this just happened!".  I feel like I've got no one to laugh with at the moment.  And no one to watch scary movies with - which is something I'm really missing.

More work tomorrow in the morning, with the same kid.  I pray that I don't get bitten! It still bloody hurts!

Feels Like A New Day

Last night, I got drunk with my SIL (her side) who is one of my best friends.  I haven't been drunk in, ooh, 3-4 years at least! I thought I would be on the floor but I handled it a lot better than I expected!  We had 4 shots of vodka, and 8 WKD's each.  I know it doesn't sound a lot, but for someone who hasn't had more than one drink in 3 years - I thought I'd be bladdered! Didn't have much of a hangover this morning either, which is always a bonus!

It also wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I'd given SIL my phone, so when I got drunk and wanted to ring/text her I couldn't.  But I didn't want to.  I guess what I told her yesterday was true. I don't want her back 100%, probably 20-30% of me actually wants her back.  And the other 70-80% thinks that because we married, we should fix it.

Anyway, I feel like today is a new day, I did talk to her today because we were meant to be sorting through photos together.  But she text me at 1pm - when she got up! To tell me that whenever she sees me, she's left an emotional wreck, and she needs a break from that! Lovely!

I can't wait to finish my room, and have a lovely space to go and be in.  I'm also really looking forward to the night out me and SIL have planned for the 7th of Jan.  A new year, a new me!

Thanks everyone for reading, even if you stay silent and don't comment, it is appreciated.  It's nice knowing I'm not just talking to myself!

The End

Well, I've certainly gone through a million emotions today! This morning I was all excited because I was seeing her and getting all hyped up. Thought we could go out for some drinks or she could come to mine for some drinks. She texts me at 1pm saying "I've got a couple of hours free what do you fancy doing?" Automatically I feel like I'm just filling in a spot. She said evening. Not afternoon. I'm midway through painting my room; I drop everything to go and get her.

I've had very mixed emotions about what I want to do, whether I want to keep trying to get her back or whether I want to just give up; I'd decided I was going to tell her that I couldn't wait forever, as every time I see her or hear from her I think I've done something right and she's going to try again. So I say this to her and she says "everyone I've talked to says it won't work how I want it to" brilliant, so she's been talking to everyone - who doesn't know me - about our business. She wants nothing more than friends. I have a feeling she's known this all along and has just been stringing me along for her benefit, so she didn't lose me as a friend. She says "you've been my best mate for 8 years" - I don't even deserve the title of friend now, I'm just a mate.

I tell her that I can't do it, I can't keep seeing her, thinking that she's going to try and then her not and me come crashing down. It's all or nothing. Then I want nothing.

I don't understand this girl. At all. I'd rather her tell me she doesn't know than tell me she doesn't want me. She said 2 days ago she was too scared. Not thy she didn't want to. There's a huge difference between not wanting to and being too scared to. She says can't it be both? Well no actually, you either want to but you're too scared or you don't want to.

I shouted at her, I argued with her for the first time. She's glad I got angry, she's glad I've stopped being so nice. I'm only angry because I feel like a mug who has been strung along for 3 bloody weeks. She said she's been selfish, well bloody hell, you couldn't have thought of this 3 weeks ago?!

I told her, she's going to realise what she's done. She's going to realise that she's just chucked away someone who totally accepted her for what she is. All her little faults and 'grossness' - as she puts it, not me. I accepted them all. I love every one of them. Her new found friends who don't know her at all will either get bored and become less frequent or they'll drop her. And I'm worried for her. I'm worried she'll end up on her own, with no one to turn to. Perhaps when she's not spending her evenings with her friend and not spending her nights on his sofa she'll realise what has gone. I don't know if I'll still be waiting.

She's also angry with me because I've made all these changes and want to do everything that she's always wanted. Well I still believe it's better late than never. But if she doesn't, well I've got to deal with it haven't I.

I'm going to get plastered tonight, probably make me feel a million times worse than what I already do, but hell, I'm 23, it's time I started acting like it.

Paint, Pain and Pleasure (Couldn't find a synonym for happy beginning with a P)

Today has been a good day, My mother came over early this morning.  Early to me is like 8.30. To my mother, that's about 7.11 - That's what time she rang me to say she was leaving.  I was not impressed.

We began by cleaning my room again, and then building the chest of drawers, bedside cabinet and wardrobe.  Now, when my mum ordered this, it was shown with a double bed.  As I have previously mentioned, I was not happy about the one bedside cabinet.  We now know why.  It's child size.  Yes, the chest of drawers comes just above my knee.  I am nearly as tall as the wardrobe, and I can't fit my pants and socks in the same drawer!

I don't have a picture now, but I will upload one, it's hilarious.  It probably took us longer to build it because we were laughing so much!

Then came the paint - we gave the dark wall a second coat of white and did all around the really annoying radiator pipes.  Then it was off to Homebase.

We got 7 colours mixed.  They are bright - this is going to be my feature wall.

We had to frog tape all the lines so that when we peeled off the tape it didn't take the paint off.

Yes, I am having that many stripes on my wall!

And here is what I've done so far...

It looks amazing! The fuchsia at the bottom needs another coat, and so does the orange, and there's still green, black, more blue and more orange to go in it!  It's going to be amazeballs!

Then...a bit of a downer.  I go to plug my TV in, to go to bed and watch telly.  Now, my TV means a lot to me.  I would've flipped before I was alone, now I'm on my own, even more so.  I was gutted.  Going to watch TV on the iPad for tonight...hopefully mum can fix it tomorrow.

So I was all ready to cry, feeling like shit.  But then...

I had messaged her during the day to check she was ok after yesterday, she was, asked how I was, told her I missed her, wanted to see her etc.  She ignored it, I asked her if she'd done any thinking today, she ignored it.  I asked her if she wanted to meet me sometime this week, just to spend some time together, she ignored it.  So, by now I'm pretty pissed off.  So I message her, not angrily, just upset and say, you could just write no instead of ignoring me, that's not very nice.  She writes back - "Ok, I'm free tomorrow evening".  Wait, what?

Yup, she's agreed to see me, she told me not to read too much into it, and I'm not - I don't think. But I do know that I'm excited as a kid at Christmas right now.  Not a lot can happen here to dampen this mood.

Hopefully I'll be a bit later on the blog tomorrow, if things go well!

Actually An Alright Day

So, as it turned out, the day wasn't that bad.  Spent most of the time playing my awesome new 3DS XL - thanks mummy!  I am now in the process of cleaning the rest of my bedroom walls and painting them, ready for the stripes to be painted tomorrow.  I will post pics when it's done.

I have no idea why, but I keep checking my phone, hoping that she's text.  I'd love a message, out of the blue from her, just so I know she's thinking about me.  I guess what I'm kind of worried about is if I give her her space, will she just not think about me?  I don't know what she's thinking.  I know that she is all I am thinking about.  What we can do together.  How I can make sure I don't go back to my old, nasty self.  I don't want that for me, let alone her.  That's how I can guarantee her that it won't happen, because I will never let myself get like that again, with or without her.

The Dangling Of A Carrot

Breaking all the rules today; thought since it's Christmas, not in my house, but everywhere else, I'd write a post at, nearly, lunchtime.  There'll probably be another tonight as well, as I'm sure something else will have happened by then.

I wrote yesterday about how I was a fool, well, now I think I'm a fool and an idiot.  I deleted her number, determined that if we weren't going to be friends and if she wasn't prepared to give me the opportunity to show her I have and will change, I wouldn't have a way of contacting her.  I also deactivated my Facebook account.  Sorted.  Switch phone off, have nice sleep, forget about Christmas.  No, couldn't just let me do that, fucking universe or fate or whatever the hell it is that insists on making me work my butt off for what I don't know.

She text me; saying she'd read my blog, and how everything had hit her, and she was sorry for how she'd treated me, she hadn't been very nice because I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.  She's right I didn't.  No, I don't.  But that was ok, because I thought that she'd see I'd changed and was continuing to change and she'd give me, the person who she swore in front of all our family and friends that she'd be with till death do us part, another chance.

I drove, this morning, all the way to where she lives, giving her the opportunity to come and see me, to talk, to look at me, to see what I was.  Did I think she'd come? Yes. Did she come? No.  I've concluded that I'm just an idiot.

She wouldn't have text me if she wasn't serious about giving us another chance.  Why would she? It would just be prolonging it.  So up I jumped this morning when I finally turned my phone on and wow! She's text me.  Shouldn't have turned the pissing thing on.  I'd be fine now, instead of wanting to punch something really, really hard.  I wish I had a punch bag at times like these.  Perhaps I'll invest in one.

She told me that she has some serious thinking to do, and she needs to do it alone.  That's fine, fair enough.  I said I'd still wait, in case she changed her mind, and that the dog, who I'd brought with me, wanted to see her.  So then, she throws 'change' at me.  I thought you said you'd changed, you said you'd give me space and you're not.  Brilliant, way to hit a girl in the gullet.

I asked her how long I'm expected to wait until she'd made her decision.  I don't know, was the reply.

Brilliant.

My mum once said to me a few years ago that I was dangling myself like a carrot.  I said I'd go and visit and then change my mind at the last minute.  It was a fair comment, and I've made a concious effort ever since to never to that again.  That saying really got me, and it's stuck with me ever since.  Now whenever I say I'm going to see her I make sure that I do, or if I do change, I make sure I go next time.  That saying constantly ringing in my ears.

I feel like that's what she's doing.  I'm doing everything possible to make her life easier, to change every aspect of myself which isn't good.  So that we can be together again.

And she's just dangling herself like a carrot, in front of me, then when I feel I'm getting close, she takes it away.

She may need time to think about what she wants, and whether me in her life is included in that.  But I can't be expected to wait forever.

Sad thing is, I probably will.

I Feel Like Such A Fool

I thought I was getting somewhere.  I thought that she was beginning to see that I could change, but she's not.  She doesn't care about us.  I know that now.

I can't keep hanging on hope that isn't there. I got told it wasn't fair, and I said I could deal with it, but I can't.  I give up.  For now at least.  It's just too painful.  I can't keep pouring my heart into something that's not there.  I need to deal with these feelings instead of praying that we get back together and they go away.

I know this sounds like I'm in a bad place, and to be honest I am, but not that bad.  So my family and friends can stop worrying.  I'm bound to have bad days, and this is one.  I'm sure it's got something to do with tomorrow.

I thought that if she came here for a drink we'd have fun and I dunno.  It just feels like everyone else is more important than me right now.

I have to stop looking for something that isn't there.  I just wish she'd tell me straight.

We can't be friends, I know that now.  Not now anyway.  Maybe in the future, when everything is weird and awkward.  But not now, because I read into everything.  The way she speaks to me, agreeing to see me, spending time with me, everything, and I can't do it.  I just can't.

I hope tomorrow goes quickly, I won't be rushing out of bed for it.  I hope it passes without me noticing.  That's my Christmas wish.

Have I Blown It?

She came over today, it was meant to be a chance for me to show her that I've changed, and am still changing.  I'd never say I've already changed, that would be ridiculous, but I've began changing and I'll continue to work on that.  Anyway, we began painting my room, it was good, we were listening to music, it felt normal, no awkwardness.  Then she got tired, she said she hadn't been sleeping well.  So I suggested we take a break and watch some telly.  We did, and then we started talking.

I feel like I pushed her too much, she told me she felt like I was pressuring her.  That wasn't meant to happen.  But I didn't know any other way to try to get my point across.  If we don't try, if we don't try and work on our marriage, from separate houses, back to seeing each other a couple of times a week, so we can get that magic back, she'll never know how far I'm prepared to go for her.  And I need her to know that.  I need her to know how far I'm prepared to go, for the woman of my life.  For the love of my life.

She said she'd think about it, and I asked her whether I'd pushed it too far, and if I'd blown it, she said no.  But I'm not so sure.  I feel like I need her to just jump in and see what happens, rather than analysing it and looking at all the negative points.  If she just looks to see how it could be good if certain things were changed then I think she'd enjoy herself, if she relaxed and stopped worrying about it going back to how it was, I think she'd enjoy being 'newlyweds' again.

There's nothing more I can say or do to persuade her.  But I just need her to give me a shot.  She's got nothing to lose.  And everything to gain.

I want to go travelling with her, I want to see the world with her.  See the beauty and compare it to her; show her that nothing is more beautiful than her.

I also let her read my blog, and I'm about to facebook her the link so she can read it whenever she likes.  She said it hadn't scared her off, I told her I was worried about her running a mile and she said she wouldn't.

I'm seeing her tomorrow for my nephew's present giving, and I'm worried that it'll be the last time.  If she doesn't give me a second chance.  I'm terrified, I have a knot in my stomach the size of a melon - this compared to the excitement I get when I'm going to see her is not nice!

Mummy's Birthday

Today is my mum's birthday, we went out for a meal with my Nanny & Pampy to Frankie & Benny's; I've never been there before and it was really nice.  I had a 7oz rump steak and chips, then a chocolate fudge cake for dessert and a woo woo to drink!

This morning my mum took me shopping to get some bits for my room.  She took me shopping and bought me stuff on her birthday! She's nice like that.

I'm Not Sure This Is Going To Work

Ugh, today has been one of those days.

It has just felt, more, I don't know, lonely.  This feeling isn't very nice.  I'm still alright, just having one of those days.

I text her earlier, asking if she was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday, she said she is and she isn't.  Brilliant, how am I supposed to know what the hell that means?  So, I ask her, she says, she's looking forward to seeing me, because she wants to be friends, but she's not because she's worried I'm reading too much into it.  W.T.F?

I'm just having one of the days where I can't see how the hell she can just up and leave, and in 2 weeks, everything is fine and we're friends.  I'm terrified now, that if I let her read my blog, which was never meant to be the plan, she's going to cut all ties to stop me from 'trying'.  I don't want to not see her, I don't want to not talk to her, I don't want to not text her.  I've seen her twice in 2 weeks.  Once to hand over her stuff, and once to awkwardly walk the dog.  There's been no chance for us to talk properly.  There's been no chance to reconcile.  Is that what she wants?  She told me when she left, after a number of begging texts and phone calls, that if she came back I'd persuade her to stay and things would be ok for a few months and then they'd go back to how they were.  So why is she not offering me a chance to prove her wrong? Is she scared that she'll be unhappy? Is it because that's not what she wants? Is it because she doesn't know what she wants?

I'd rather have her as my girlfriend and see her a couple of times a week, while she's living on some blokes sofa than have her back here and her become unhappy.  Surely that would be enough to show her that I'm determined not to go back to my old ways?  Surely, if she loves me, she'd be willing to do that?  I'm frightened that if I propose this to her, show her my blog etc. she'll run a mile.  Then what chance do I have to show her that I've changed?  I don't know whether to take it slow and see if something happens, or to lay it all on the table and risk losing her altogether.

All I do know, is that I've got one day to decide.

Tomorrow I will post a picture of my cookies and the recipe.  I think they're going to be amazing.

Talk About Rollercoaster

It was put to me tonight, that it might be a good idea to let her read the blog.  I know people are worried that we're on different pages; they're worried that I'm reading too much into what she's doing, and they're worried she's being overly nice if she doesn't want to get back with me.

So anyway, I reread my blogs.  It really shows just how much of a roller coaster this ride has been already, and it's only been 2 weeks - 1 week in blogland.

So basically tonight's post is for her, I'm going to let her read my blog on Sunday, when she is with me, so I can explain anything that she's confused about.

Quotations of the Soul

Today, I feel tired.  Tired in the physical sense, not the emotional sense.  She let me in to a secret today; I asked her if she began falling for me again would she deny it, force herself to not feel it - she told me she wouldn't, she said this would make her unhappy.  From this I have concluded that her new goal in life is to be happy.  That is exactly what I am going to do.

I am going to show her the 'me' she fell in love with, the funny, attractive, outgoing girl I was back when I was younger, before mental health and life got in the way.  Before I stopped making an effort with myself, stopped making an effort with us, and stopped making an effort with her.

She's coming over on Sunday; I'm going to bake her favourite cookies (on Saturday I will post the recipe), I'm going to make her a coffee, I'm going to make sure I've made enough fags so that she can smoke mine, instead of having to make her own.  I'm going to try to make her smile, laugh and just enjoy being with me. If I can do that I'm already half way there.  I understand now, she didn't want to be unhappy any more, she didn't want to live her life for me, and she shouldn't have to.  She is looking for one of the simplest, free things in life - happiness.  And I'll be damned if I'm not going to try my hardest to give that to her.  If it doesn't work, it obviously wasn't meant to be.  No one can tell me not to, no one can tell me not to get my hopes up - I'm going with the flow, and if I'm making an effort along the way then good, I should've been doing that a long time ago anyway.

But the main point of today's post was a little blog I happened to come across today.  Say That Again For Me is a wonderful little blog filled with quotes; these are quotes that everyone can relate to at some point or another in their lives.  I have chosen a select few which I can particularly relate to at the moment.  I hope you like them as much as I did.  I hope you can relate to them in some way, shape or form.  Quotations are great for making you feel like you're not alone.  Here we go...

DBT and ABC's

You know how people say 'How do you do it?' The truth is, when you love someone, you really don't have a choice other than to just do it. ~ Unknown Author

I had an appointment with a member of the mental heath team to discuss me getting DBT - Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.  This is a highly intense course of therapy which lasts a considerable number of years and is designed to retrain your brain to deal with stress and trauma.

Why Do I Insist On Being A Total Idiot?

Why is it when you think everything is looking up, something has to smack you straight in the face to remind you how un-ok everything is?

This morning I had a lovely conversation with her on the phone.  It was light hearted, upbeat, we laughed, we said niceties at the end - lovely.  Then we had a normal text conversation - just general crap, meaning nothing, but I thought it meant she wanted to text me - perhaps she was just humouring me, I don't know.  It certainly didn't go as well as I thought it did.  It went a little something like this:

Another Day, Another Step

Today I went to Longleat with my SIL (her side) and my nephew.  It's another step in a direction I don't particularly want to be travelling in.  But one that I'm beginning to realise is my only option at this point.

A Room With A View

I've recently been introduced to the idea of a 'mood board', now with my history of mental health I automatically assumed this was something to do with my mood - but it's not.  If you don't know what a mood board is; type it into Google and take a look.

A Difficult Week

Well this has been a difficult week to say the least.  Not difficult because of the reasons I thought it would be, but for the realisation that has hit me.

On Wednesday the 5th of December, at approximately 1.40pm my wife of 3 years and my partner of 8 told me she was no longer happy and was leaving me.