Talk About Rollercoaster

It was put to me tonight, that it might be a good idea to let her read the blog.  I know people are worried that we're on different pages; they're worried that I'm reading too much into what she's doing, and they're worried she's being overly nice if she doesn't want to get back with me.

So anyway, I reread my blogs.  It really shows just how much of a roller coaster this ride has been already, and it's only been 2 weeks - 1 week in blogland.

So basically tonight's post is for her, I'm going to let her read my blog on Sunday, when she is with me, so I can explain anything that she's confused about.




To my Angel,

I'm writing this to you so that you can understand what I'm thinking, so you can understand how I hope things will work out; and so that you understand that I want you to continue being as natural as you already are - I don't want you to force distance if that's not what you want because you think that's how it should be.  As I've already told you several times; we're different, there is no protocol when it comes to us - and I don't want there to be.  That's why we worked so well for 7 years, unfortunately, I let life and my own feelings of depression to cloud my view of my wonderful life.

First off, I want to tell you things that I should've done; this way, you'll know that I truly understand what went wrong - and if there's more - I want you to tell me.

• Our life had become stagnant.  When you were suggesting that we begin looking for a place of our own to live, I put it off, for my own selfish insecurities.  I stopped looking at 'our' life, our life together, our life which had come to a standstill.  I should've been constantly looking for ways for us to progress together.
• I had stopped making an effort with myself; therefore with us, and therefore, as ashamed as I am to say it, I stopped making an effort with you.  I lost sight of what I had, of what I wanted, of what we wanted.
• I should've been more of an active participant in our life.  I was the weaker one, and you the strong one.  That should never have happened.  We should always be an equal role.  You should never have felt like my mother; and I should never have treated you like a 5 year old.
• I should have been more focused on making you happy, on making us happy, instead of my own happiness.  For some reason; I had become convinced that I was weak, that I was delicate and I'm not - I have proved that, to myself, and to everyone else.  I will not break, I am stronger than I thought I was, stronger than anyone thought I was.
• I should've kept writing you love letters; when I write, when we write, we express things that we're not able to express in everyday life.  I always told you you were beautiful and I always told you I loved you - but I stopped explaining why.  I stopped explaining why I love you, and why you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and because I stopped telling you, I stopped knowing those reasons - never again will I let that happen.

I want to tell you how much I've changed in only 2 weeks but to be honest I want you to see that for yourself.  I will tell you how I'm going to make sure I keep up those changes; and how and why I will never allow myself back in that place that I was in, that we were in.

The first few things are meaningless to most, but I know they mean a lot to you and me.  So everyone else will have to put up with me for a minute!

• When I make a cigarette, I make 6 - three for me and three for you.  I know that if I start making myself one at a time; when you offer me one; I will take it; and that would lead to you making the fags all the time again.  If I continue to make 6, even when it's just me, I'll never let you make all the fags - ever again.
• When I want a cup of tea, I just get up and make it, I don't wait for dad or someone else to want one; I get up and I make it myself.  I'm not expecting to do it every time we have a drink - but I will do my fair share.
• At dinner time, if you've been at work all day; I will make it; I will think about what you might want; or discuss it with you and then make it.  It should never have been your 'job' to cook dinner every night.

Another big thing that these two weeks have made me realise is that I need my independence, just like you need yours.  I relied on you to always be there; to order my tablets; to come shopping with me every time, to come to all my appointments - that wasn't fair.  I can manage them on my own.  I can go shopping without you.  And I can do something else when you go out; when you want to visit a friend; or go shopping with them.  When you want to go out at night, I can just go to sleep, instead of waiting for you and forcing an argument.  That was selfish, stupid and just plain immature.  There was just no need for some of the things I did, and it was because I wasn't consciously thinking about my actions.

I shouldn't have relied upon you financially; I know the last few years I haven't been well enough for work; but I should've done something about that.  I should've actively thought about what I could do to better myself and just bloody done it.  In the new year, when the schools go back; I am going to get a full time job.  I am going to be a teaching assistant - and if that leads me back to being a teacher, great.  You, my angel, told me a few weeks ago that you didn't like your job, but we needed your job because it was good money - you said it didn't matter that you didn't like your job, because although mine didn't bring in a lot of money, I enjoyed it.  That isn't fair.  Thank you for thinking like that, it's really thoughtful of you - but that isn't how things work.  If we both have a job that we enjoy, full time; we will make enough money.  

And finally, because I've realised all these things that have been right in front of my face this entire time; I'm happier.  I'm happy that I'm more independent.  I'm happy that I have some time to be alone, to just be me.  I'm actually enjoying being self reliant and making my own cigarettes and my own tea.  It was easy for me to sit back and let you take on the bulk of the work; but that wasn't fair.  I will not do that again, this I promise you.

I understand now that we need our own space; you need to be able to go out with your own friends; and I need to be able to do things independently without feeling like I need you holding my hand.  That is too much responsibility to place on anyone, let alone someone who is your world.

I hope, as much is humanly possible, that you see these changes; and that you see the girl you fell in love with all those years ago.  She didn't go anywhere, she just got a little lost along the way.  I hope that you see a happier me, a me who wants nothing more than to make you happy. I hope you see someone who is intent on getting the life we dreamed about back on track.  How it should be, an equal partnership.

I know that you're worried, I know that you're frightened that I will slip back into my old ways, which is why, publicly, I have a proposition for you.

I propose that we spend a little time together, I propose that we try and find what it was that we lost.  I propose that we give ourselves that chance to fall back into love with each other.  There is nothing that I want more in the world.  If it takes 6 months, a year, I will be there.  I will always be there for you.  Living separately, seeing each other a couple of times a week, as girlfriends, I think we'll find the love that has always been there.  We can go slow - see each other once, twice a week to start.  We can go fast and see each other everyday.  But I agree with you that we need to live apart.  We need time to miss each other, we need time to think, damn I miss her, I really want to see her.

There is something special between us.  I have never met someone who understands me like you do.  I have never known anyone who I understand as much as I do you.  I have never known two people to be so similar; to enjoy the same things - we found that in each other.  I just lost sight of who I was.  I love comedy, I love music, I love playing hidden object games with you.  I love going out, as a couple to do things, I love just being alone with you and snuggling.  I love watching scary films with you.  I love watching Disney films with you.  I love singing along with you in the car; be it to the radio or a kids CD.  I love seeing you look good, and I love it when you tell me I look good.  I love being able to send a message saying I love you to you, and I love hearing you say it.  I love walking the dog with you.  I love playing bingo with you.  I'm no longer scared of going out with you and having a drink - because I was scared of us arguing, and now I see we have nothing to argue about - if I think about what I do before I do it, which I must admit I'm getting pretty good at, I won't worry about you texting a boy, why should I? I trust you explicitly, I know that if you say you love me, and I have nothing to worry about - then there is nothing to worry about.  I know that if you want to go out and dance with a boy, there is nothing in it.  Because at the end of the night, if you're coming home to me; or sending me a message saying you love me and you're safe, that's all that matters.

I am so sorry that I lost sight of what is important.  I am so sorry that I let you take all of the burden and responsibility.  And I am so sorry that it took you leaving for me to realise what I had, what we had.

I hope this helps you to see that there is nothing I want more in this world than to make you happy; there is nothing I want more in this world than for us to start again.  Start a new us, a better us, an us with all the best points of before and all the better points of the future. 

I'll love you until the end of time, I just hope that you believe me, that you believe in me, that you believe in us.

This is my heart, presented on a silver platter, it's yours to keep.

All my love darling, forever and ever, and men.