Here again

Well, here we go again.

There's a saying isn't there: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" what happens if it happens a third time then?! I'm in a different boat than I was last time, this time my boat feels more secure, yet less safe.  This time, instead of leaving because of me and my actions (or lack of them), she's been having an affair for 4 months, and has fallen 'in love'with him.  Love my arse, infatuation more like.

I've had a rough 4 weeks, yeah it's been 4 weeks since she told me. And she's still here. He's married, 40 and living with his wife.  So until the end of the month she's still living at home.  I won't lie, it can be incredibly hard.  It can be awful to hear her on the phone to him, it can be awful to have her receiving 50 texts an hour, it can be horrible to watch her get dressed up and head out with him.  But there are times when it's nice too.  When we're sat on the sofa and we're just watching a film together, you'd never guess what was going on.  When we're out shopping or whatever it can be nice.  We still have fun, and we still feel the emotional connection, but for her, she doesn't feel the love that she should.

She's been a complete bitch at times, talking to me as if I wasn't her wife.  Telling me how she's so happy, is spending the night in a hotel with him, or how he makes her feel good (she claims she has no idea why that's wrong).  And other times she's been, no wait, no that's it.  She's been bearable or a bitch, that about sums it up!

There's a lot of things that I have a hard time getting out of my mouth.  Either because I'm too frightened to say them, or because they're too hurtful to say, and that's why I'm back, here, where I never should've left, because this was always an outlet when I needed one, and I stopped using it.

On a side note, my mental health has been pretty great this past year, no major problems, few ups and downs but nothing to write home about.  I've maintained my changes, which I'm so proud of myself for since I worked so hard to change, to improve myself.  And I won't stop, I will always try to improve myself.  There's no better feeling than at the end of the day thinking that you did your best.

I'm still working, so I have plenty to keep me occupied during the day, and I'm finding things to keep me occupied in the evenings.

I feel like such an idiot at times for taking her back after the last affair, then in the next second I know at the moment, I'd still take her back from this.

I hope when she does go, she's gone long enough for me to move on.  For me to stop feeling like this about her.  It's ridiculous.  I'd never watch someone be treated like this, I'd advise my friends to ditch her ass and get her out, and once the door was shut, it was shut for good.  After all, who wants someone who is a serial cheat and is more willing to work on a 'relationship' they've had for a few weeks than a marriage and partnership they've had for 9 years? Me apparently.

My mood is fluctuating with the wind, so I may well be back writing later how much I hate her, or how much I love her, or both.

I know that I'd like to smack him one though.  I don't often condone violence, but right now, that's what would make me feel better!

I Need An Outlet

So, here I am again; 8 months down the line.

I should've updated sooner, I know.

A week or so after my last blog post, she came home.  We had a heart to heart, I told her I didn't believe she was truly happy; and she wasn't.  She didn't admit to it at first, in fact it took her several days, but she eventually told me she was leaving him.  She said it wasn't a matter of me or him, he was a somebody who could've been anybody, he was someone who was there, someone who wanted her when she needed to feel wanted.  So we became a couple again.

Honestly it's been great.  It's been a huge relief having the weight of paranoia and jealously that used to hand over me lifted.  I haven't wanted to check her phone, I haven't stopped her from going out, I haven't even not wanted her to go out with friends, it just felt fine, normal, okay.

Well now it's not.  All that work I did, all that trust I worked so hard on is gone; I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair since May.  I don't think I've ever felt this level of betrayal in all my life.  I'm so angry - but not with her.  Not with him either, I'm not one of the people who just blames the other person and sees no fault in their own partner.  I don't really know why I'm not angry at her.  I still have an overwhelming urge to love her, to protect her and to make her happy.

She says she's sorry, that it was just sex and that it didn't mean anything.  A part of me doesn't believe this.  There is photographic evidence that tells me otherwise, it tells me she enjoyed it, she felt comfortable with him, and it makes me sick.  Physically sick.

I had forgiven her before we'd even finished talking.  There wasn't a question, I didn't need time to decide, I just let it happen; I'm not going to fight how I feel, I've learned to just roll with it and let things happen.  I am happy when I'm with her, at the moment I'm also angry and I feel sick, but the happiness is still there.

I'm not done on this subject, and I guess I've returned as this is a positive outlet for my feelings, rather than other negative outlets which I've been known to turn to in the past.

This isn't addressed at anyone in particular, it isn't written for anyone.  It's purely as an outlet for these pent up feelings that I have.

Thanks for reading as always, feel free to share and comment.