Everything's going to come out...

Well, well, well.

Image courtesy of rottenecards. I feel really bad for her. He's going to read this. Since Mr. maturesexforolderwomen - yep that's his email address! has subscribed to my blog. I also feel really bad for myself. I feel exposed. Naked. Intruded upon. This is my outlet. For me. I don't write for anyone else. I know now and again I have a post specifically for her. But mostly, it's a way to get out what I'm feeling. To talk to myself. To reason with myself. It helps me to make sense of things. When I write it, I see it in a different light, I can answer my own questions. Now do I even have that? If I'm brutally honest on my blog and he's still reading it, then I feel it's not fair to her. Because this stuff was meant to 'stay between us'. But I need an outlet. I don't write about the sex stuff etc. because my mother reads it. But I don't need to talk about that. I talk about that with my SIL. This is for my emotions, my feelings, her words that confuse the hell out of her but mean everything to me. I understand her, when she does something, I know why she does it. When she says things, I can make sense of them for her. That's why I need my blog. I guess deleting the posts wasn't good enough, since they come to your email directly written - clever that. Unless you don't want them to. I'm also angry that he's snooping on her, on me, on us. If he's snooping here, where else is he snooping? My FB? Her FB? That's different, that's a social networking site, that's not so bad. But he shouldn't be snooping on her already. What sort of weirdo subscribes to your lover's wife's blog?!? See, I always feel so much better when I write on here. I suppose I could switch to the old traditional form of journalling. But then my wrist would hurt, and when I was hurting December 2012, I wanted to read someone else's experiences. So perhaps this will help someone else. I don't know. All I know is I've got to keep writing, whether it's here, or somewhere else...

Paint, Pain and Pleasure (Couldn't find a synonym for happy beginning with a P)

Today has been a good day, My mother came over early this morning.  Early to me is like 8.30. To my mother, that's about 7.11 - That's what time she rang me to say she was leaving.  I was not impressed.

We began by cleaning my room again, and then building the chest of drawers, bedside cabinet and wardrobe.  Now, when my mum ordered this, it was shown with a double bed.  As I have previously mentioned, I was not happy about the one bedside cabinet.  We now know why.  It's child size.  Yes, the chest of drawers comes just above my knee.  I am nearly as tall as the wardrobe, and I can't fit my pants and socks in the same drawer!

I don't have a picture now, but I will upload one, it's hilarious.  It probably took us longer to build it because we were laughing so much!

Then came the paint - we gave the dark wall a second coat of white and did all around the really annoying radiator pipes.  Then it was off to Homebase.

We got 7 colours mixed.  They are bright - this is going to be my feature wall.

We had to frog tape all the lines so that when we peeled off the tape it didn't take the paint off.

Yes, I am having that many stripes on my wall!

And here is what I've done so far...

It looks amazing! The fuchsia at the bottom needs another coat, and so does the orange, and there's still green, black, more blue and more orange to go in it!  It's going to be amazeballs!

Then...a bit of a downer.  I go to plug my TV in, to go to bed and watch telly.  Now, my TV means a lot to me.  I would've flipped before I was alone, now I'm on my own, even more so.  I was gutted.  Going to watch TV on the iPad for tonight...hopefully mum can fix it tomorrow.

So I was all ready to cry, feeling like shit.  But then...

I had messaged her during the day to check she was ok after yesterday, she was, asked how I was, told her I missed her, wanted to see her etc.  She ignored it, I asked her if she'd done any thinking today, she ignored it.  I asked her if she wanted to meet me sometime this week, just to spend some time together, she ignored it.  So, by now I'm pretty pissed off.  So I message her, not angrily, just upset and say, you could just write no instead of ignoring me, that's not very nice.  She writes back - "Ok, I'm free tomorrow evening".  Wait, what?

Yup, she's agreed to see me, she told me not to read too much into it, and I'm not - I don't think. But I do know that I'm excited as a kid at Christmas right now.  Not a lot can happen here to dampen this mood.

Hopefully I'll be a bit later on the blog tomorrow, if things go well!

The Dangling Of A Carrot

Breaking all the rules today; thought since it's Christmas, not in my house, but everywhere else, I'd write a post at, nearly, lunchtime.  There'll probably be another tonight as well, as I'm sure something else will have happened by then.

I wrote yesterday about how I was a fool, well, now I think I'm a fool and an idiot.  I deleted her number, determined that if we weren't going to be friends and if she wasn't prepared to give me the opportunity to show her I have and will change, I wouldn't have a way of contacting her.  I also deactivated my Facebook account.  Sorted.  Switch phone off, have nice sleep, forget about Christmas.  No, couldn't just let me do that, fucking universe or fate or whatever the hell it is that insists on making me work my butt off for what I don't know.

She text me; saying she'd read my blog, and how everything had hit her, and she was sorry for how she'd treated me, she hadn't been very nice because I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.  She's right I didn't.  No, I don't.  But that was ok, because I thought that she'd see I'd changed and was continuing to change and she'd give me, the person who she swore in front of all our family and friends that she'd be with till death do us part, another chance.

I drove, this morning, all the way to where she lives, giving her the opportunity to come and see me, to talk, to look at me, to see what I was.  Did I think she'd come? Yes. Did she come? No.  I've concluded that I'm just an idiot.

She wouldn't have text me if she wasn't serious about giving us another chance.  Why would she? It would just be prolonging it.  So up I jumped this morning when I finally turned my phone on and wow! She's text me.  Shouldn't have turned the pissing thing on.  I'd be fine now, instead of wanting to punch something really, really hard.  I wish I had a punch bag at times like these.  Perhaps I'll invest in one.

She told me that she has some serious thinking to do, and she needs to do it alone.  That's fine, fair enough.  I said I'd still wait, in case she changed her mind, and that the dog, who I'd brought with me, wanted to see her.  So then, she throws 'change' at me.  I thought you said you'd changed, you said you'd give me space and you're not.  Brilliant, way to hit a girl in the gullet.

I asked her how long I'm expected to wait until she'd made her decision.  I don't know, was the reply.

Brilliant.

My mum once said to me a few years ago that I was dangling myself like a carrot.  I said I'd go and visit and then change my mind at the last minute.  It was a fair comment, and I've made a concious effort ever since to never to that again.  That saying really got me, and it's stuck with me ever since.  Now whenever I say I'm going to see her I make sure that I do, or if I do change, I make sure I go next time.  That saying constantly ringing in my ears.

I feel like that's what she's doing.  I'm doing everything possible to make her life easier, to change every aspect of myself which isn't good.  So that we can be together again.

And she's just dangling herself like a carrot, in front of me, then when I feel I'm getting close, she takes it away.

She may need time to think about what she wants, and whether me in her life is included in that.  But I can't be expected to wait forever.

Sad thing is, I probably will.

I Feel Like Such A Fool

I thought I was getting somewhere.  I thought that she was beginning to see that I could change, but she's not.  She doesn't care about us.  I know that now.

I can't keep hanging on hope that isn't there. I got told it wasn't fair, and I said I could deal with it, but I can't.  I give up.  For now at least.  It's just too painful.  I can't keep pouring my heart into something that's not there.  I need to deal with these feelings instead of praying that we get back together and they go away.

I know this sounds like I'm in a bad place, and to be honest I am, but not that bad.  So my family and friends can stop worrying.  I'm bound to have bad days, and this is one.  I'm sure it's got something to do with tomorrow.

I thought that if she came here for a drink we'd have fun and I dunno.  It just feels like everyone else is more important than me right now.

I have to stop looking for something that isn't there.  I just wish she'd tell me straight.

We can't be friends, I know that now.  Not now anyway.  Maybe in the future, when everything is weird and awkward.  But not now, because I read into everything.  The way she speaks to me, agreeing to see me, spending time with me, everything, and I can't do it.  I just can't.

I hope tomorrow goes quickly, I won't be rushing out of bed for it.  I hope it passes without me noticing.  That's my Christmas wish.

Have I Blown It?

She came over today, it was meant to be a chance for me to show her that I've changed, and am still changing.  I'd never say I've already changed, that would be ridiculous, but I've began changing and I'll continue to work on that.  Anyway, we began painting my room, it was good, we were listening to music, it felt normal, no awkwardness.  Then she got tired, she said she hadn't been sleeping well.  So I suggested we take a break and watch some telly.  We did, and then we started talking.

I feel like I pushed her too much, she told me she felt like I was pressuring her.  That wasn't meant to happen.  But I didn't know any other way to try to get my point across.  If we don't try, if we don't try and work on our marriage, from separate houses, back to seeing each other a couple of times a week, so we can get that magic back, she'll never know how far I'm prepared to go for her.  And I need her to know that.  I need her to know how far I'm prepared to go, for the woman of my life.  For the love of my life.

She said she'd think about it, and I asked her whether I'd pushed it too far, and if I'd blown it, she said no.  But I'm not so sure.  I feel like I need her to just jump in and see what happens, rather than analysing it and looking at all the negative points.  If she just looks to see how it could be good if certain things were changed then I think she'd enjoy herself, if she relaxed and stopped worrying about it going back to how it was, I think she'd enjoy being 'newlyweds' again.

There's nothing more I can say or do to persuade her.  But I just need her to give me a shot.  She's got nothing to lose.  And everything to gain.

I want to go travelling with her, I want to see the world with her.  See the beauty and compare it to her; show her that nothing is more beautiful than her.

I also let her read my blog, and I'm about to facebook her the link so she can read it whenever she likes.  She said it hadn't scared her off, I told her I was worried about her running a mile and she said she wouldn't.

I'm seeing her tomorrow for my nephew's present giving, and I'm worried that it'll be the last time.  If she doesn't give me a second chance.  I'm terrified, I have a knot in my stomach the size of a melon - this compared to the excitement I get when I'm going to see her is not nice!

Mummy's Birthday

Today is my mum's birthday, we went out for a meal with my Nanny & Pampy to Frankie & Benny's; I've never been there before and it was really nice.  I had a 7oz rump steak and chips, then a chocolate fudge cake for dessert and a woo woo to drink!

This morning my mum took me shopping to get some bits for my room.  She took me shopping and bought me stuff on her birthday! She's nice like that.

Talk About Rollercoaster

It was put to me tonight, that it might be a good idea to let her read the blog.  I know people are worried that we're on different pages; they're worried that I'm reading too much into what she's doing, and they're worried she's being overly nice if she doesn't want to get back with me.

So anyway, I reread my blogs.  It really shows just how much of a roller coaster this ride has been already, and it's only been 2 weeks - 1 week in blogland.

So basically tonight's post is for her, I'm going to let her read my blog on Sunday, when she is with me, so I can explain anything that she's confused about.

A Difficult Week

Well this has been a difficult week to say the least.  Not difficult because of the reasons I thought it would be, but for the realisation that has hit me.

On Wednesday the 5th of December, at approximately 1.40pm my wife of 3 years and my partner of 8 told me she was no longer happy and was leaving me.