A Very Pleasant Day

I didn't write a post yesterday, because I was so tired after building all my furniture, cleaning and organising my stuff, then I cooked two huge pots of food; bolognese and chicken soup/stew.

Here are the recipes as promised!

Bolognese - Slimmers World Style

500g EXTRA lean minced beef
200g Closed Cup Mushrooms
Large onion
400g tin of chopped tomatoes
1 clove of garlic
Fry light
1 beef oxo cube
Dried Herbs
Splash of Worcestershire sauce

So I cooked the onion and the garlic, which were both finely chopped, I stirred them until they were soft, then I added the minced beef until it had browned, I left these cooking for about 5 minutes together so that the mince would take on the flavour of the onion and the garlic.  Next I added the chopped tomatoes, dried herbs, oxo cube and a splash of Worcestershire sauce, I let these cook for a further 5-10 minutes before adding the very finely chopped mushrooms.  I haven't actually tasted it yet, but I can imagine it's going to need a fair amount of salt and pepper because the Dolmio sauce I normally use has salt, sugar, preservatives etc in it all ready.

Chicken Stew/Soup

3 Chicken breasts
3 Leeks
1/2 Swede
8-10 Carrots
6-8 potatoes
Large onion
2 large stalks of broccoli
Chicken Oxo cubes
Vegetable Oxo cubes
Bisto Chicken gravy

I cut all of the veg into large chunks as I like it to cook for a long time so all the veg soaks up the stock.  I placed all of the veg, minus the broccoli into the pot.  I filled up 1 pint of water with 2 chicken stock cubes dissolved in it and poured it onto the veg, I filled a second pint of water with 2 vegetable stock cubes and tipped it onto the veg.  Finally I made 1/2 a pint of Bisto Chicken gravy, as instructed and poured that on top too.  The pan was now almost full to the brim.  I let it cook for an hour or so.  Next I fried off the chicken in a small amount of fry light, let the cool and tore them into thin strips.  Finally I placed all of the broccoli on top of the veg, it didn't immerse in the stock as there was so much veg, so it sort of steamed itself on the top!  Finally when it was all cooked I divided it half and half - half as it was as stew and then I blended half of it to make chicken soup!  This does require salt and pepper to taste, but is lovely.  I think next time though I will use beef Bisto gravy, as it has more flavour and makes the stock thicker.

I had a lovely day with her today.  Just as friends.  I think because I wasn't worrying about trying to make her 'fall in love' with me again, we just relaxed and had a good time.  I was expecting her to stay for 2-3 hours max, but she didn't, I picked her up at 11 and dropped her back between 5.30 and 6.  First we talked for a bit, how life is going etc, what's been happening at work blah blah, then we had lunch, my chicken stew!  Next we went to Tesco (she needed to go) and then Argos (I needed to go).  When we came back, we both, yes both, made some fags and took the dog for a 15-20 minute walk.  I thought after that she would want to go home, it was probably about 1pm, maybe 2 at a push, but I said I'd burn some CD's for her, while I was waiting for the CD to download I suggested we put the TV on, we ended up watching a film - it was diabolically crap!  So crap, I can't even remember the name of it!!  But we kept pausing it to talk.  The 90 minute film probably took us around double that to watch!  Then I took her to the cash point so she could get some money to get a cab to work tomorrow, I said I'd pick her up, but she said she'd get money for a taxi just in case I don't get up.  I'll be up, don't you worry about that!

Tomorrow is comedy night with the SIL - very excited, can't wait!

Day One of 2013

So today didn't go exactly as I planned.  Began with me writing to her on Facebook;

"Can you stop liking stuff on my Facebook if you don't want to talk to me, because it just makes me think you fucking do"
"Fine, I'll fucking delete you then"
"Fucking go for it"

I regret that the minute I wrote it.  I text her, after she'd deleted and blocked me from Facebook, to say I was sorry and that I didn't mean it.  She ignored me.  I text her this morning when I woke up saying I was really sorry and that I didn't want things to be crap between us.  She text me back saying OK.  I told her I wanted to be friends and she said she now didn't, because as long as she was around I won't move on, or something along those lines.  I told her that I would, that it wasn't her problem any more, and that I wanted her in my life in one capacity rather than none.  We're now trying the friend thing.

In some ways I've had a really crappy day, yet I feel better now.  Now that I know we're going to try to be friends.  I realised this morning that I'd hit my peak way too young.  People normally meet the person who is their 'other half' the person who appears to complete the mould at 30-40 years old.  Normally their 3rd or 4th serious relationship.  Well I happened to find it in my first.  I wonder if anyone will ever be able to compete with our similarities?  I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who wants to do exactly what I want to do.  Who will laugh at the same things on telly.  Who loves the same comedians.  Who likes psychological thrillers and horror films.  Who finds mass death incredibly interesting, to the point they want to research every aspect of the event, including all the gory photo's and videos they can find.  I could go on, but I won't.  I hope I will.  Because right now, all I feel is that no one will ever meet the standards.  Do I settle for less than I had? Or do I look for as long as it takes to find her equal.

This all sounds ridiculous coming out of a 23 year old.  If someone told me I'd be here saying this about us when we first got together I'd have laughed in their face.  But I can only write it how it feels.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met her.  Or wish we'd never taken it further than friends.  I wouldn't have to list myself as separated rather than single.  I wouldn't have to worry about someone not meeting the standards I've been used to.  I wouldn't have to worry that no one will ever 'fit' as well as she did.

I gotta start moving on.  There's loads of ways to go about it.  I'm just not sure which one is right for me yet.  I've gotten used to being on my own.  I no longer dread going to bed.  I've had the bad dream, and survived without the cuddle.  I can roll fags faster than my SIL now.  I can look at something that I think she'd like and not get angry or upset by it.  The only thing that still gets me is if I don't know what's going on.  I need to know where I stand, where she stands, where we stand, without any bullshit.  I don't want to be protected from the truth.  Although I'm not ready to hear she's sleeping with/seeing someone else.

I also wish she'd never told me that a song spoke her feelings, because now I hit repeat and let it beat me down instead of hearing it from her own mouth.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it'll bring new bedding with it!

2012 - 2013

I thought 2012 had been a great year.  Up until December when everything went down hill.  But it's picked back up towards the end of December, and I'm feeling pretty positive about 2013.

In 2010 I wrote a new years resolution, it went like this;

In 2011 I promise that it will be a better year, for me and all those I care about. I promise to stop helping the people that don't appreciate it, and use more of my energy on the people who do appreciate it. I promise to put Kim and myself first for a change and do everything possible to make our dreams come true. I also promise to do everything in my power to make myself better so I can be a better person for my wife. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through 2010, and those of you that haven't, I really don't care, I have enough people in my life that do care, and I won't be wasting my energy on you in 2011. Happy New Year everyone.

I didn't write one last year.  I'm not sure why.  I guess because everything was going ok.  I spent NYE here with my SIL (my side) and she spent it at work.  I hated being away from her for NYE. This year is no different.  I miss her.  I wish she would just take some time out of everything, away from everyone and think about her decision.  I don't know if she'd come to the same conclusion or not.  She may do.  She may not.  

I read a blog post a while back from Shades of Shayes it was a fictional piece she had written and it just resounded my thoughts on marriages, relationships etc.  Here it is if you'd like to read it.  Baggage.

I re-read it again yesterday to my SIL (my side) and it hit me all over again.

My new years resolution 2012 is to be happy in 2013.  I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it yet.  But hopefully it'll work itself out.  I don't want 2013 to be without her.  I don't not want her in my life.  But I don't know if we can find some middle ground to meet on.  Somewhere between all or nothing.

Totally forgot how much I enjoy drinking; going from the totally straight to slightly warm and fuzzy, to merry and smiley, haven't yet got to the off my face stage yet, but I'm hoping to at some point.

I need her to know that it's never too late.  It'll never be too late, not in my eyes, not yet.  I'm sure if she comes to me this time next Christmas I'll probably be in a different mind set.  But at the moment, if she changes her mind, and just wants to give something, anything a go.  I'll be here.  I just hope she's still reading my blog.  I still tell her I love her every night before I go to sleep.  She doesn't know that, because really I just tell myself.  But I always make sure I say I love you and good night.  Perhaps in someway it reaches her, through a whisper in her dreams maybe.

Anyway, I'm off to get slaughtered hopefully, and my phone is dying so I won't be able to text her.  Unless I find the charger that's around here somewhere...