Everything's going to come out...

Well, well, well.

Image courtesy of rottenecards. I feel really bad for her. He's going to read this. Since Mr. maturesexforolderwomen - yep that's his email address! has subscribed to my blog. I also feel really bad for myself. I feel exposed. Naked. Intruded upon. This is my outlet. For me. I don't write for anyone else. I know now and again I have a post specifically for her. But mostly, it's a way to get out what I'm feeling. To talk to myself. To reason with myself. It helps me to make sense of things. When I write it, I see it in a different light, I can answer my own questions. Now do I even have that? If I'm brutally honest on my blog and he's still reading it, then I feel it's not fair to her. Because this stuff was meant to 'stay between us'. But I need an outlet. I don't write about the sex stuff etc. because my mother reads it. But I don't need to talk about that. I talk about that with my SIL. This is for my emotions, my feelings, her words that confuse the hell out of her but mean everything to me. I understand her, when she does something, I know why she does it. When she says things, I can make sense of them for her. That's why I need my blog. I guess deleting the posts wasn't good enough, since they come to your email directly written - clever that. Unless you don't want them to. I'm also angry that he's snooping on her, on me, on us. If he's snooping here, where else is he snooping? My FB? Her FB? That's different, that's a social networking site, that's not so bad. But he shouldn't be snooping on her already. What sort of weirdo subscribes to your lover's wife's blog?!? See, I always feel so much better when I write on here. I suppose I could switch to the old traditional form of journalling. But then my wrist would hurt, and when I was hurting December 2012, I wanted to read someone else's experiences. So perhaps this will help someone else. I don't know. All I know is I've got to keep writing, whether it's here, or somewhere else...

My Pinterest Board

How I'm Feeling...

Here again

Well, here we go again.

There's a saying isn't there: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" what happens if it happens a third time then?! I'm in a different boat than I was last time, this time my boat feels more secure, yet less safe.  This time, instead of leaving because of me and my actions (or lack of them), she's been having an affair for 4 months, and has fallen 'in love'with him.  Love my arse, infatuation more like.

I've had a rough 4 weeks, yeah it's been 4 weeks since she told me. And she's still here. He's married, 40 and living with his wife.  So until the end of the month she's still living at home.  I won't lie, it can be incredibly hard.  It can be awful to hear her on the phone to him, it can be awful to have her receiving 50 texts an hour, it can be horrible to watch her get dressed up and head out with him.  But there are times when it's nice too.  When we're sat on the sofa and we're just watching a film together, you'd never guess what was going on.  When we're out shopping or whatever it can be nice.  We still have fun, and we still feel the emotional connection, but for her, she doesn't feel the love that she should.

She's been a complete bitch at times, talking to me as if I wasn't her wife.  Telling me how she's so happy, is spending the night in a hotel with him, or how he makes her feel good (she claims she has no idea why that's wrong).  And other times she's been, no wait, no that's it.  She's been bearable or a bitch, that about sums it up!

There's a lot of things that I have a hard time getting out of my mouth.  Either because I'm too frightened to say them, or because they're too hurtful to say, and that's why I'm back, here, where I never should've left, because this was always an outlet when I needed one, and I stopped using it.

On a side note, my mental health has been pretty great this past year, no major problems, few ups and downs but nothing to write home about.  I've maintained my changes, which I'm so proud of myself for since I worked so hard to change, to improve myself.  And I won't stop, I will always try to improve myself.  There's no better feeling than at the end of the day thinking that you did your best.

I'm still working, so I have plenty to keep me occupied during the day, and I'm finding things to keep me occupied in the evenings.

I feel like such an idiot at times for taking her back after the last affair, then in the next second I know at the moment, I'd still take her back from this.

I hope when she does go, she's gone long enough for me to move on.  For me to stop feeling like this about her.  It's ridiculous.  I'd never watch someone be treated like this, I'd advise my friends to ditch her ass and get her out, and once the door was shut, it was shut for good.  After all, who wants someone who is a serial cheat and is more willing to work on a 'relationship' they've had for a few weeks than a marriage and partnership they've had for 9 years? Me apparently.

My mood is fluctuating with the wind, so I may well be back writing later how much I hate her, or how much I love her, or both.

I know that I'd like to smack him one though.  I don't often condone violence, but right now, that's what would make me feel better!

First Home

Before the end of the month, we will be moving.  This is our first home, first time without parents.  First time in control of the remote!

On a more serious note, it's been stressful.  My mood has sprung up and down a lot these past few weeks and I'm finding it more difficult to hide it.  Suffering in silence is harder than it seems.  The Mrs is also depressed at the moment, due to guilt read about it in the previous post,  thinking she doesn't deserve me?!? And worrying I'll leave her, again ?!?!?.  So much of my mental energy has been taken up by ensuring she's ok and feeling secure, and attempting to make her happy or at least see the positive side of things.

Ultimately this all has a toll on me, but hey, it's my time to carry her.  I told her last week that "it's the least I can do coz when I fell you pulled me through, so you know that I'll carry you"

I hate seeing her down, that gets to me as well.  I worry that I can't make her happy, but to be truthful, until we had all this stress we were happy.  So I hope that when we've settled into our new home both our moods will pick up.  We're both extremely excited as well.  Can't leave that out.  It's our first home, we've had so much fun choosing all our furniture and I'm sure we'll have double the fun during the late nights it's going to take us to put it together

I Need An Outlet

So, here I am again; 8 months down the line.

I should've updated sooner, I know.

A week or so after my last blog post, she came home.  We had a heart to heart, I told her I didn't believe she was truly happy; and she wasn't.  She didn't admit to it at first, in fact it took her several days, but she eventually told me she was leaving him.  She said it wasn't a matter of me or him, he was a somebody who could've been anybody, he was someone who was there, someone who wanted her when she needed to feel wanted.  So we became a couple again.

Honestly it's been great.  It's been a huge relief having the weight of paranoia and jealously that used to hand over me lifted.  I haven't wanted to check her phone, I haven't stopped her from going out, I haven't even not wanted her to go out with friends, it just felt fine, normal, okay.

Well now it's not.  All that work I did, all that trust I worked so hard on is gone; I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair since May.  I don't think I've ever felt this level of betrayal in all my life.  I'm so angry - but not with her.  Not with him either, I'm not one of the people who just blames the other person and sees no fault in their own partner.  I don't really know why I'm not angry at her.  I still have an overwhelming urge to love her, to protect her and to make her happy.

She says she's sorry, that it was just sex and that it didn't mean anything.  A part of me doesn't believe this.  There is photographic evidence that tells me otherwise, it tells me she enjoyed it, she felt comfortable with him, and it makes me sick.  Physically sick.

I had forgiven her before we'd even finished talking.  There wasn't a question, I didn't need time to decide, I just let it happen; I'm not going to fight how I feel, I've learned to just roll with it and let things happen.  I am happy when I'm with her, at the moment I'm also angry and I feel sick, but the happiness is still there.

I'm not done on this subject, and I guess I've returned as this is a positive outlet for my feelings, rather than other negative outlets which I've been known to turn to in the past.

This isn't addressed at anyone in particular, it isn't written for anyone.  It's purely as an outlet for these pent up feelings that I have.

Thanks for reading as always, feel free to share and comment.

I am no longer a mug

Today; the 13th of January 2013 I am no longer a mug.  I will no longer have feet wiped on my face.  I will no longer be the person who is laughed at, for doing everything, for trying everything, when it was all pointless.

I am going NC - No Contact.  I don't want to here her name, I don't want to see anything of hers, I don't want anyone to tell me anything about her.  I'm doing this for me.  I need to 'fall out of love' with her.  And in order to do that I need no contact.

Unfortunately I will have things around me that will remind me for some time.  I read earlier on a break up forum that it's always easier for them to move on, since they're with new people, new furnishings, new location etc etc etc.  They don't have to sleep in the same bed, or look at the same sofa, or walk through the same front door.  It must be a whole lot easier for them.

I'm going to try to find things to fill my time, because every second that I'm not doing something I'm thinking about them together and it makes me sick.  It makes me sick to think he gets to see all the things only I saw, and do all the things only I did.  I can't see them staying together long anyway, not that it matters, at all.  She has too many flaws for a young man to deal with, they're immature as it is.  He also sounds controlling already - and doesn't trust her - and it's only been a few weeks.  Yes that's all I was worth was two weeks.  Took her a real long time didn't it.  I don't believe she even waited that long.  Someone on her Facebook asked her on the 8th - 3 days after she left, if she was 'shagging' him, she didn't say no either.  Just asked where he'd heard it.  I'd rather believe she didn't cheat on me.  That there was still some truth that came from her mouth.

I just feel like a total fool, who was taken for a ride, and who has probably been laughed at.  That hurts more than anything.  And I'll never forgive her for that.

This is the last post talking about her, or having anything to do with her.  I will not mention her again.  Not until 2 years down the line when I'm telling you all I'm filing for divorce!

Tomorrow will be a better day, as my mother said in the very early hours of this morning, you've hit rock bottom now, the only way is up.

A Very Pleasant Day

I didn't write a post yesterday, because I was so tired after building all my furniture, cleaning and organising my stuff, then I cooked two huge pots of food; bolognese and chicken soup/stew.

Here are the recipes as promised!

Bolognese - Slimmers World Style

500g EXTRA lean minced beef
200g Closed Cup Mushrooms
Large onion
400g tin of chopped tomatoes
1 clove of garlic
Fry light
1 beef oxo cube
Dried Herbs
Splash of Worcestershire sauce

So I cooked the onion and the garlic, which were both finely chopped, I stirred them until they were soft, then I added the minced beef until it had browned, I left these cooking for about 5 minutes together so that the mince would take on the flavour of the onion and the garlic.  Next I added the chopped tomatoes, dried herbs, oxo cube and a splash of Worcestershire sauce, I let these cook for a further 5-10 minutes before adding the very finely chopped mushrooms.  I haven't actually tasted it yet, but I can imagine it's going to need a fair amount of salt and pepper because the Dolmio sauce I normally use has salt, sugar, preservatives etc in it all ready.

Chicken Stew/Soup

3 Chicken breasts
3 Leeks
1/2 Swede
8-10 Carrots
6-8 potatoes
Large onion
2 large stalks of broccoli
Chicken Oxo cubes
Vegetable Oxo cubes
Bisto Chicken gravy

I cut all of the veg into large chunks as I like it to cook for a long time so all the veg soaks up the stock.  I placed all of the veg, minus the broccoli into the pot.  I filled up 1 pint of water with 2 chicken stock cubes dissolved in it and poured it onto the veg, I filled a second pint of water with 2 vegetable stock cubes and tipped it onto the veg.  Finally I made 1/2 a pint of Bisto Chicken gravy, as instructed and poured that on top too.  The pan was now almost full to the brim.  I let it cook for an hour or so.  Next I fried off the chicken in a small amount of fry light, let the cool and tore them into thin strips.  Finally I placed all of the broccoli on top of the veg, it didn't immerse in the stock as there was so much veg, so it sort of steamed itself on the top!  Finally when it was all cooked I divided it half and half - half as it was as stew and then I blended half of it to make chicken soup!  This does require salt and pepper to taste, but is lovely.  I think next time though I will use beef Bisto gravy, as it has more flavour and makes the stock thicker.

I had a lovely day with her today.  Just as friends.  I think because I wasn't worrying about trying to make her 'fall in love' with me again, we just relaxed and had a good time.  I was expecting her to stay for 2-3 hours max, but she didn't, I picked her up at 11 and dropped her back between 5.30 and 6.  First we talked for a bit, how life is going etc, what's been happening at work blah blah, then we had lunch, my chicken stew!  Next we went to Tesco (she needed to go) and then Argos (I needed to go).  When we came back, we both, yes both, made some fags and took the dog for a 15-20 minute walk.  I thought after that she would want to go home, it was probably about 1pm, maybe 2 at a push, but I said I'd burn some CD's for her, while I was waiting for the CD to download I suggested we put the TV on, we ended up watching a film - it was diabolically crap!  So crap, I can't even remember the name of it!!  But we kept pausing it to talk.  The 90 minute film probably took us around double that to watch!  Then I took her to the cash point so she could get some money to get a cab to work tomorrow, I said I'd pick her up, but she said she'd get money for a taxi just in case I don't get up.  I'll be up, don't you worry about that!

Tomorrow is comedy night with the SIL - very excited, can't wait!

Measurements, Bedroom and Her

As of tomorrow, when I officially begin the Slimming World lifestyle (not diet!) I will post my recipes and foods that I've eaten, also the exercise that I've undertaken that day.  Then on Thursdays (my meeting day) I will post my weight loss and measurement loss.

I measured today; my chest is 43", my waist is 38" and my stomach is 45".  I'm not bothering to measure anything else, as I don't really think anywhere else is really an issue, my arms aren't that big, neither are my legs, my thighs will undoubtedly lose some, and they need too, but I'm not going there, it'll be one more thing I will forget!

My extra set of bedroom furniture arrived today, along with my wall sticker, so as soon as that is all up and built I will post pictures of the, actually, finished room! Although the paintwork etc. is finished for now, the room isn't complete without the finishing touches!

Today, hmm, I've felt very mixed, I was really tense this afternoon and I'm not sure why, had a good morning, and a good evening, just an angry afternoon!  I did appear to sleep better last night, I think I only woke up once, and then I woke early this morning as well.

The clock on my wall keeps moving, turning or twisting to the side, I corrected it twice yesterday, and I've just looked at it and it's crooked again.  Strange.  Very strange.

I am looking forward to seeing her on Sunday, I'm not sure if it's her company I miss now.  We do enjoy exactly the same things, so it could well be.  I hope we have a good time on Sunday.  Even though it will only be as friends.  That's good enough for me.  I've burned her a copy of her favourite TV show at the moment, we missed the first season, so I've found it and burned it for her.  I thought about it, and decided that it wasn't outside the 'friendzone' as I'd do it for any of my other friends too.  They'd just probably have to ask first!

Oh and the bloody delivery man who brought my furniture today left great big dirty footprints all over my new rug!  Not very impressed at all!

Day One of 2013

So today didn't go exactly as I planned.  Began with me writing to her on Facebook;

"Can you stop liking stuff on my Facebook if you don't want to talk to me, because it just makes me think you fucking do"
"Fine, I'll fucking delete you then"
"Fucking go for it"

I regret that the minute I wrote it.  I text her, after she'd deleted and blocked me from Facebook, to say I was sorry and that I didn't mean it.  She ignored me.  I text her this morning when I woke up saying I was really sorry and that I didn't want things to be crap between us.  She text me back saying OK.  I told her I wanted to be friends and she said she now didn't, because as long as she was around I won't move on, or something along those lines.  I told her that I would, that it wasn't her problem any more, and that I wanted her in my life in one capacity rather than none.  We're now trying the friend thing.

In some ways I've had a really crappy day, yet I feel better now.  Now that I know we're going to try to be friends.  I realised this morning that I'd hit my peak way too young.  People normally meet the person who is their 'other half' the person who appears to complete the mould at 30-40 years old.  Normally their 3rd or 4th serious relationship.  Well I happened to find it in my first.  I wonder if anyone will ever be able to compete with our similarities?  I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who wants to do exactly what I want to do.  Who will laugh at the same things on telly.  Who loves the same comedians.  Who likes psychological thrillers and horror films.  Who finds mass death incredibly interesting, to the point they want to research every aspect of the event, including all the gory photo's and videos they can find.  I could go on, but I won't.  I hope I will.  Because right now, all I feel is that no one will ever meet the standards.  Do I settle for less than I had? Or do I look for as long as it takes to find her equal.

This all sounds ridiculous coming out of a 23 year old.  If someone told me I'd be here saying this about us when we first got together I'd have laughed in their face.  But I can only write it how it feels.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met her.  Or wish we'd never taken it further than friends.  I wouldn't have to list myself as separated rather than single.  I wouldn't have to worry about someone not meeting the standards I've been used to.  I wouldn't have to worry that no one will ever 'fit' as well as she did.

I gotta start moving on.  There's loads of ways to go about it.  I'm just not sure which one is right for me yet.  I've gotten used to being on my own.  I no longer dread going to bed.  I've had the bad dream, and survived without the cuddle.  I can roll fags faster than my SIL now.  I can look at something that I think she'd like and not get angry or upset by it.  The only thing that still gets me is if I don't know what's going on.  I need to know where I stand, where she stands, where we stand, without any bullshit.  I don't want to be protected from the truth.  Although I'm not ready to hear she's sleeping with/seeing someone else.

I also wish she'd never told me that a song spoke her feelings, because now I hit repeat and let it beat me down instead of hearing it from her own mouth.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it'll bring new bedding with it!

Bedroom, Bedroom, Bedroom

It's nearly finished!

Today, my step dad put up my blind, my curtains, mirrors, clock, shelves, lights and telly brackets! He only came over to do the blind haha!

It looks amazing, so much nicer with some of the finishing touches in place, just need to wait for my bedding and other set of furniture!! I will upload photo's when the bedding arrives, at the moment it just looks silly with brown bedding on!  Bedding should hopefully arrive tomorrow as it was Dispatched on Saturday.

All in all today has been a very uneventful day.  I have thought about her, but not as much as yesterday.  I saw she liked something on Facebook and my gut did a few somersaults but that was all!

Spent some of the day at work, some of the day decorating my room and some of it trying to arrange where I'm going for NYE.  Can't believe how quick it's crept up on me.  Feels like everything is coming so fast, pretty soon it'll be valentines day (Eugh) and then my birthday (Yay!)

I think I'm going up to my SIL (my side) for NYE.  Spend it with her and my nephew and niece.  Get drunk, get merry and laugh.  That's what I think I need.

I'm kind of frightened that my floating shelves are going to fall on my head tonight...they're not quite flush with the wall and they're worrying me! I guess if I wake up with a bump in the morning I'll know why!

My bite didn't come out any more, I was quite disappointed since it hurt so much!  Still have a lump and the red teeth marks - god that child can bite!

I wonder if she's still reading this? I wonder if she wants to know what I'm doing?  I really hope that my every second thought will stop being about her soon.  I really do.  It's getting annoying now!

I wonder if she's going to keep my name? I have no idea how I'm going to feel if she changes it on Facebook, I think I'll be gutted.

My Job

Thought I'd change things up a bit today and talk a little about my job.  I'm an escort (love telling people that!) for children with special needs.  I take them to and from school, and also to respite.

Today I was taking one of my regular kids, she's autistic and was going to respite (time away from her family to give her mum a break).  The journey is approximately 45 minutes to an hour long.  I got bit.  She is known for biting, but she doesn't ever give you any warning.  I don't mean that most kids will go "I'm going to bite you now" I mean, she's not aggressive or agitated at all, she's all smiling and then CHOMP!

The bruise wasn't quite out there, I'm expecting it to look worse tomorrow.  Now you can see all the teeth marks - and god knows what she did to the middle bit, it looks a bit like a hickey, but she wasn't sucking, so I have no idea!

She's a lovely kid, and this hasn't put me off working with her, it just really, really, bloody hurt!

Did some more in my bedroom today, even though I felt like crap.  I don't know if it was just the fact that I didn't sleep well last night (was up every hour - Grrrr!) or whether things are catching up with me now.  I hope it's the former and not the latter.

The feature wall is almost finished now, just a few touch ups and the white needs another coat and it'll be all done!  Tomorrow I'm going to put the TV bracket back up, instead of watching it on a chair! Also my blind and curtains need to go up so I'm not getting undressed in front of a wide open window!

Oh, I'm also going to break up the large blue stripe in the middle with a black stripe.  Unless anyone else has a suggestion? I'm open to ideas, I just know it needs breaking up.  Normally, I'd ask her.

It has been really weird today, I haven't spoken to her at all.  I talked to her yesterday about her sister and I think it upset her a bit, but she didn't want to talk to me about it, even though I repeatedly asked if she was ok.  I've wanted to message her all day.  But I haven't.  I've checked Facebook to see if she's been on, she has, but hasn't written anything.  It's not just her being here I miss.  I miss talking to her too.  I miss being able to go "OMG, this just happened!".  I feel like I've got no one to laugh with at the moment.  And no one to watch scary movies with - which is something I'm really missing.

More work tomorrow in the morning, with the same kid.  I pray that I don't get bitten! It still bloody hurts!

Feels Like A New Day

Last night, I got drunk with my SIL (her side) who is one of my best friends.  I haven't been drunk in, ooh, 3-4 years at least! I thought I would be on the floor but I handled it a lot better than I expected!  We had 4 shots of vodka, and 8 WKD's each.  I know it doesn't sound a lot, but for someone who hasn't had more than one drink in 3 years - I thought I'd be bladdered! Didn't have much of a hangover this morning either, which is always a bonus!

It also wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I'd given SIL my phone, so when I got drunk and wanted to ring/text her I couldn't.  But I didn't want to.  I guess what I told her yesterday was true. I don't want her back 100%, probably 20-30% of me actually wants her back.  And the other 70-80% thinks that because we married, we should fix it.

Anyway, I feel like today is a new day, I did talk to her today because we were meant to be sorting through photos together.  But she text me at 1pm - when she got up! To tell me that whenever she sees me, she's left an emotional wreck, and she needs a break from that! Lovely!

I can't wait to finish my room, and have a lovely space to go and be in.  I'm also really looking forward to the night out me and SIL have planned for the 7th of Jan.  A new year, a new me!

Thanks everyone for reading, even if you stay silent and don't comment, it is appreciated.  It's nice knowing I'm not just talking to myself!

The End

Well, I've certainly gone through a million emotions today! This morning I was all excited because I was seeing her and getting all hyped up. Thought we could go out for some drinks or she could come to mine for some drinks. She texts me at 1pm saying "I've got a couple of hours free what do you fancy doing?" Automatically I feel like I'm just filling in a spot. She said evening. Not afternoon. I'm midway through painting my room; I drop everything to go and get her.

I've had very mixed emotions about what I want to do, whether I want to keep trying to get her back or whether I want to just give up; I'd decided I was going to tell her that I couldn't wait forever, as every time I see her or hear from her I think I've done something right and she's going to try again. So I say this to her and she says "everyone I've talked to says it won't work how I want it to" brilliant, so she's been talking to everyone - who doesn't know me - about our business. She wants nothing more than friends. I have a feeling she's known this all along and has just been stringing me along for her benefit, so she didn't lose me as a friend. She says "you've been my best mate for 8 years" - I don't even deserve the title of friend now, I'm just a mate.

I tell her that I can't do it, I can't keep seeing her, thinking that she's going to try and then her not and me come crashing down. It's all or nothing. Then I want nothing.

I don't understand this girl. At all. I'd rather her tell me she doesn't know than tell me she doesn't want me. She said 2 days ago she was too scared. Not thy she didn't want to. There's a huge difference between not wanting to and being too scared to. She says can't it be both? Well no actually, you either want to but you're too scared or you don't want to.

I shouted at her, I argued with her for the first time. She's glad I got angry, she's glad I've stopped being so nice. I'm only angry because I feel like a mug who has been strung along for 3 bloody weeks. She said she's been selfish, well bloody hell, you couldn't have thought of this 3 weeks ago?!

I told her, she's going to realise what she's done. She's going to realise that she's just chucked away someone who totally accepted her for what she is. All her little faults and 'grossness' - as she puts it, not me. I accepted them all. I love every one of them. Her new found friends who don't know her at all will either get bored and become less frequent or they'll drop her. And I'm worried for her. I'm worried she'll end up on her own, with no one to turn to. Perhaps when she's not spending her evenings with her friend and not spending her nights on his sofa she'll realise what has gone. I don't know if I'll still be waiting.

She's also angry with me because I've made all these changes and want to do everything that she's always wanted. Well I still believe it's better late than never. But if she doesn't, well I've got to deal with it haven't I.

I'm going to get plastered tonight, probably make me feel a million times worse than what I already do, but hell, I'm 23, it's time I started acting like it.

Paint, Pain and Pleasure (Couldn't find a synonym for happy beginning with a P)

Today has been a good day, My mother came over early this morning.  Early to me is like 8.30. To my mother, that's about 7.11 - That's what time she rang me to say she was leaving.  I was not impressed.

We began by cleaning my room again, and then building the chest of drawers, bedside cabinet and wardrobe.  Now, when my mum ordered this, it was shown with a double bed.  As I have previously mentioned, I was not happy about the one bedside cabinet.  We now know why.  It's child size.  Yes, the chest of drawers comes just above my knee.  I am nearly as tall as the wardrobe, and I can't fit my pants and socks in the same drawer!

I don't have a picture now, but I will upload one, it's hilarious.  It probably took us longer to build it because we were laughing so much!

Then came the paint - we gave the dark wall a second coat of white and did all around the really annoying radiator pipes.  Then it was off to Homebase.

We got 7 colours mixed.  They are bright - this is going to be my feature wall.

We had to frog tape all the lines so that when we peeled off the tape it didn't take the paint off.

Yes, I am having that many stripes on my wall!

And here is what I've done so far...

It looks amazing! The fuchsia at the bottom needs another coat, and so does the orange, and there's still green, black, more blue and more orange to go in it!  It's going to be amazeballs!

Then...a bit of a downer.  I go to plug my TV in, to go to bed and watch telly.  Now, my TV means a lot to me.  I would've flipped before I was alone, now I'm on my own, even more so.  I was gutted.  Going to watch TV on the iPad for tonight...hopefully mum can fix it tomorrow.

So I was all ready to cry, feeling like shit.  But then...

I had messaged her during the day to check she was ok after yesterday, she was, asked how I was, told her I missed her, wanted to see her etc.  She ignored it, I asked her if she'd done any thinking today, she ignored it.  I asked her if she wanted to meet me sometime this week, just to spend some time together, she ignored it.  So, by now I'm pretty pissed off.  So I message her, not angrily, just upset and say, you could just write no instead of ignoring me, that's not very nice.  She writes back - "Ok, I'm free tomorrow evening".  Wait, what?

Yup, she's agreed to see me, she told me not to read too much into it, and I'm not - I don't think. But I do know that I'm excited as a kid at Christmas right now.  Not a lot can happen here to dampen this mood.

Hopefully I'll be a bit later on the blog tomorrow, if things go well!

Actually An Alright Day

So, as it turned out, the day wasn't that bad.  Spent most of the time playing my awesome new 3DS XL - thanks mummy!  I am now in the process of cleaning the rest of my bedroom walls and painting them, ready for the stripes to be painted tomorrow.  I will post pics when it's done.

I have no idea why, but I keep checking my phone, hoping that she's text.  I'd love a message, out of the blue from her, just so I know she's thinking about me.  I guess what I'm kind of worried about is if I give her her space, will she just not think about me?  I don't know what she's thinking.  I know that she is all I am thinking about.  What we can do together.  How I can make sure I don't go back to my old, nasty self.  I don't want that for me, let alone her.  That's how I can guarantee her that it won't happen, because I will never let myself get like that again, with or without her.

The Dangling Of A Carrot

Breaking all the rules today; thought since it's Christmas, not in my house, but everywhere else, I'd write a post at, nearly, lunchtime.  There'll probably be another tonight as well, as I'm sure something else will have happened by then.

I wrote yesterday about how I was a fool, well, now I think I'm a fool and an idiot.  I deleted her number, determined that if we weren't going to be friends and if she wasn't prepared to give me the opportunity to show her I have and will change, I wouldn't have a way of contacting her.  I also deactivated my Facebook account.  Sorted.  Switch phone off, have nice sleep, forget about Christmas.  No, couldn't just let me do that, fucking universe or fate or whatever the hell it is that insists on making me work my butt off for what I don't know.

She text me; saying she'd read my blog, and how everything had hit her, and she was sorry for how she'd treated me, she hadn't been very nice because I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.  She's right I didn't.  No, I don't.  But that was ok, because I thought that she'd see I'd changed and was continuing to change and she'd give me, the person who she swore in front of all our family and friends that she'd be with till death do us part, another chance.

I drove, this morning, all the way to where she lives, giving her the opportunity to come and see me, to talk, to look at me, to see what I was.  Did I think she'd come? Yes. Did she come? No.  I've concluded that I'm just an idiot.

She wouldn't have text me if she wasn't serious about giving us another chance.  Why would she? It would just be prolonging it.  So up I jumped this morning when I finally turned my phone on and wow! She's text me.  Shouldn't have turned the pissing thing on.  I'd be fine now, instead of wanting to punch something really, really hard.  I wish I had a punch bag at times like these.  Perhaps I'll invest in one.

She told me that she has some serious thinking to do, and she needs to do it alone.  That's fine, fair enough.  I said I'd still wait, in case she changed her mind, and that the dog, who I'd brought with me, wanted to see her.  So then, she throws 'change' at me.  I thought you said you'd changed, you said you'd give me space and you're not.  Brilliant, way to hit a girl in the gullet.

I asked her how long I'm expected to wait until she'd made her decision.  I don't know, was the reply.

Brilliant.

My mum once said to me a few years ago that I was dangling myself like a carrot.  I said I'd go and visit and then change my mind at the last minute.  It was a fair comment, and I've made a concious effort ever since to never to that again.  That saying really got me, and it's stuck with me ever since.  Now whenever I say I'm going to see her I make sure that I do, or if I do change, I make sure I go next time.  That saying constantly ringing in my ears.

I feel like that's what she's doing.  I'm doing everything possible to make her life easier, to change every aspect of myself which isn't good.  So that we can be together again.

And she's just dangling herself like a carrot, in front of me, then when I feel I'm getting close, she takes it away.

She may need time to think about what she wants, and whether me in her life is included in that.  But I can't be expected to wait forever.

Sad thing is, I probably will.

I Feel Like Such A Fool

I thought I was getting somewhere.  I thought that she was beginning to see that I could change, but she's not.  She doesn't care about us.  I know that now.

I can't keep hanging on hope that isn't there. I got told it wasn't fair, and I said I could deal with it, but I can't.  I give up.  For now at least.  It's just too painful.  I can't keep pouring my heart into something that's not there.  I need to deal with these feelings instead of praying that we get back together and they go away.

I know this sounds like I'm in a bad place, and to be honest I am, but not that bad.  So my family and friends can stop worrying.  I'm bound to have bad days, and this is one.  I'm sure it's got something to do with tomorrow.

I thought that if she came here for a drink we'd have fun and I dunno.  It just feels like everyone else is more important than me right now.

I have to stop looking for something that isn't there.  I just wish she'd tell me straight.

We can't be friends, I know that now.  Not now anyway.  Maybe in the future, when everything is weird and awkward.  But not now, because I read into everything.  The way she speaks to me, agreeing to see me, spending time with me, everything, and I can't do it.  I just can't.

I hope tomorrow goes quickly, I won't be rushing out of bed for it.  I hope it passes without me noticing.  That's my Christmas wish.