A Difficult Week

Well this has been a difficult week to say the least.  Not difficult because of the reasons I thought it would be, but for the realisation that has hit me.

On Wednesday the 5th of December, at approximately 1.40pm my wife of 3 years and my partner of 8 told me she was no longer happy and was leaving me.




First of all, I was in total shock, I had no idea she felt this way, I had no idea she was planning on leaving (and she was planning on it - she told me that).  My family rallied round me, my mum left work early to sit with me, my step dad picked me up, my own dad (who we lived with) was a mess himself and my sister in law (not her side, my side) had me up hers for the night.  They were panicking that I would OD or self harm, they passed my pills between one another so I had no access to them, they cleared the bathroom of razors when I had a bath, but I didn't - I had no suicidal feelings or feelings of self harm whatsoever.

Now I was as confused as they were as to why I wasn't suicidal, in the first few days I thought it was because I could win her back with my promises of change and things we could try (counselling, living apart, spending less time together etc.) but they weren't good enough and she didn't want to come home.  It took a few days for me to pick myself up, which I didn't think I would - I thought I would be wallowing in self pity for a long time, months even, but I didn't.  After 5 days I began eating, and dressing, and showering, and even went back to work.  This surprised everyone else, including her, as much as it surprised myself.

I'd begun to wonder yesterday, the 13th, why I wasn't broken, why I wasn't a mess, could it be that I wasn't happy either? Can someone really be unhappy and not know it? I've concluded that I wasn't happy, I can't have been, or else I'd still be a mess.  I haven't cried in 5 days, that isn't normal for someone who's just had their world turned upside down.  And it's not that I feel like crying and I'm not, it's not that I feel upset, or sad, or anything, I feel normal.

Don't get me wrong, when I said those marriage vows 3 years ago, I meant them, and I will not give up just like that on an eight year relationship.  I can't, it's not in me.  But I certainly don't want things to go back to how they were.  I don't want her to come home, we were too comfortable, she allowed me to be lazy, she allowed me to be selfish - I spent the first few days totally blaming myself for being self absorbed etc etc.  But truth be told, that's not the case.  I did allow myself to get like that, but she did too.  She thought I would break, therefore I did too.  I now know I'm not unbreakable, in fact, I'm not even that delicate (but shh, don't tell everyone that!).

Ok so 5 things I've realised in this 'difficult week';

1. I wasn't happy with my wife, with my relationship and with my situation
2. I was no longer making an effort with myself, therefore not making an effort with her
3. I don't need to be mollycoddled
4. I don't miss her as much as I thought I would
5. I still love her, and she is still my wife, and no matter if this relationship has no chance of working, I will try, because I swore I'd be there forever, and I don't break my promises.

So that is the reason I am writing this blog, as an outlet for my feelings, I have a few friends, that I know I can talk to, but I think they're frightened of giving me 'wrong' advice.  So if anyone does actually read this, comment, share, if you know anyone who is also dealing with a break up, a marriage break up or a divorce, send them my way.  After 8 years, I'm actually looking forward to meeting some new people.

Nikki