Actually An Alright Day

So, as it turned out, the day wasn't that bad.  Spent most of the time playing my awesome new 3DS XL - thanks mummy!  I am now in the process of cleaning the rest of my bedroom walls and painting them, ready for the stripes to be painted tomorrow.  I will post pics when it's done.

I have no idea why, but I keep checking my phone, hoping that she's text.  I'd love a message, out of the blue from her, just so I know she's thinking about me.  I guess what I'm kind of worried about is if I give her her space, will she just not think about me?  I don't know what she's thinking.  I know that she is all I am thinking about.  What we can do together.  How I can make sure I don't go back to my old, nasty self.  I don't want that for me, let alone her.  That's how I can guarantee her that it won't happen, because I will never let myself get like that again, with or without her.

I Feel Like Such A Fool

I thought I was getting somewhere.  I thought that she was beginning to see that I could change, but she's not.  She doesn't care about us.  I know that now.

I can't keep hanging on hope that isn't there. I got told it wasn't fair, and I said I could deal with it, but I can't.  I give up.  For now at least.  It's just too painful.  I can't keep pouring my heart into something that's not there.  I need to deal with these feelings instead of praying that we get back together and they go away.

I know this sounds like I'm in a bad place, and to be honest I am, but not that bad.  So my family and friends can stop worrying.  I'm bound to have bad days, and this is one.  I'm sure it's got something to do with tomorrow.

I thought that if she came here for a drink we'd have fun and I dunno.  It just feels like everyone else is more important than me right now.

I have to stop looking for something that isn't there.  I just wish she'd tell me straight.

We can't be friends, I know that now.  Not now anyway.  Maybe in the future, when everything is weird and awkward.  But not now, because I read into everything.  The way she speaks to me, agreeing to see me, spending time with me, everything, and I can't do it.  I just can't.

I hope tomorrow goes quickly, I won't be rushing out of bed for it.  I hope it passes without me noticing.  That's my Christmas wish.

DBT and ABC's

You know how people say 'How do you do it?' The truth is, when you love someone, you really don't have a choice other than to just do it. ~ Unknown Author

I had an appointment with a member of the mental heath team to discuss me getting DBT - Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.  This is a highly intense course of therapy which lasts a considerable number of years and is designed to retrain your brain to deal with stress and trauma.

Why Do I Insist On Being A Total Idiot?

Why is it when you think everything is looking up, something has to smack you straight in the face to remind you how un-ok everything is?

This morning I had a lovely conversation with her on the phone.  It was light hearted, upbeat, we laughed, we said niceties at the end - lovely.  Then we had a normal text conversation - just general crap, meaning nothing, but I thought it meant she wanted to text me - perhaps she was just humouring me, I don't know.  It certainly didn't go as well as I thought it did.  It went a little something like this:

Another Day, Another Step

Today I went to Longleat with my SIL (her side) and my nephew.  It's another step in a direction I don't particularly want to be travelling in.  But one that I'm beginning to realise is my only option at this point.