First Home

Before the end of the month, we will be moving.  This is our first home, first time without parents.  First time in control of the remote!

On a more serious note, it's been stressful.  My mood has sprung up and down a lot these past few weeks and I'm finding it more difficult to hide it.  Suffering in silence is harder than it seems.  The Mrs is also depressed at the moment, due to guilt read about it in the previous post,  thinking she doesn't deserve me?!? And worrying I'll leave her, again ?!?!?.  So much of my mental energy has been taken up by ensuring she's ok and feeling secure, and attempting to make her happy or at least see the positive side of things.

Ultimately this all has a toll on me, but hey, it's my time to carry her.  I told her last week that "it's the least I can do coz when I fell you pulled me through, so you know that I'll carry you"

I hate seeing her down, that gets to me as well.  I worry that I can't make her happy, but to be truthful, until we had all this stress we were happy.  So I hope that when we've settled into our new home both our moods will pick up.  We're both extremely excited as well.  Can't leave that out.  It's our first home, we've had so much fun choosing all our furniture and I'm sure we'll have double the fun during the late nights it's going to take us to put it together

Talk About Rollercoaster

It was put to me tonight, that it might be a good idea to let her read the blog.  I know people are worried that we're on different pages; they're worried that I'm reading too much into what she's doing, and they're worried she's being overly nice if she doesn't want to get back with me.

So anyway, I reread my blogs.  It really shows just how much of a roller coaster this ride has been already, and it's only been 2 weeks - 1 week in blogland.

So basically tonight's post is for her, I'm going to let her read my blog on Sunday, when she is with me, so I can explain anything that she's confused about.

Quotations of the Soul

Today, I feel tired.  Tired in the physical sense, not the emotional sense.  She let me in to a secret today; I asked her if she began falling for me again would she deny it, force herself to not feel it - she told me she wouldn't, she said this would make her unhappy.  From this I have concluded that her new goal in life is to be happy.  That is exactly what I am going to do.

I am going to show her the 'me' she fell in love with, the funny, attractive, outgoing girl I was back when I was younger, before mental health and life got in the way.  Before I stopped making an effort with myself, stopped making an effort with us, and stopped making an effort with her.

She's coming over on Sunday; I'm going to bake her favourite cookies (on Saturday I will post the recipe), I'm going to make her a coffee, I'm going to make sure I've made enough fags so that she can smoke mine, instead of having to make her own.  I'm going to try to make her smile, laugh and just enjoy being with me. If I can do that I'm already half way there.  I understand now, she didn't want to be unhappy any more, she didn't want to live her life for me, and she shouldn't have to.  She is looking for one of the simplest, free things in life - happiness.  And I'll be damned if I'm not going to try my hardest to give that to her.  If it doesn't work, it obviously wasn't meant to be.  No one can tell me not to, no one can tell me not to get my hopes up - I'm going with the flow, and if I'm making an effort along the way then good, I should've been doing that a long time ago anyway.

But the main point of today's post was a little blog I happened to come across today.  Say That Again For Me is a wonderful little blog filled with quotes; these are quotes that everyone can relate to at some point or another in their lives.  I have chosen a select few which I can particularly relate to at the moment.  I hope you like them as much as I did.  I hope you can relate to them in some way, shape or form.  Quotations are great for making you feel like you're not alone.  Here we go...