Have I Blown It?

She came over today, it was meant to be a chance for me to show her that I've changed, and am still changing.  I'd never say I've already changed, that would be ridiculous, but I've began changing and I'll continue to work on that.  Anyway, we began painting my room, it was good, we were listening to music, it felt normal, no awkwardness.  Then she got tired, she said she hadn't been sleeping well.  So I suggested we take a break and watch some telly.  We did, and then we started talking.

I feel like I pushed her too much, she told me she felt like I was pressuring her.  That wasn't meant to happen.  But I didn't know any other way to try to get my point across.  If we don't try, if we don't try and work on our marriage, from separate houses, back to seeing each other a couple of times a week, so we can get that magic back, she'll never know how far I'm prepared to go for her.  And I need her to know that.  I need her to know how far I'm prepared to go, for the woman of my life.  For the love of my life.

She said she'd think about it, and I asked her whether I'd pushed it too far, and if I'd blown it, she said no.  But I'm not so sure.  I feel like I need her to just jump in and see what happens, rather than analysing it and looking at all the negative points.  If she just looks to see how it could be good if certain things were changed then I think she'd enjoy herself, if she relaxed and stopped worrying about it going back to how it was, I think she'd enjoy being 'newlyweds' again.

There's nothing more I can say or do to persuade her.  But I just need her to give me a shot.  She's got nothing to lose.  And everything to gain.

I want to go travelling with her, I want to see the world with her.  See the beauty and compare it to her; show her that nothing is more beautiful than her.

I also let her read my blog, and I'm about to facebook her the link so she can read it whenever she likes.  She said it hadn't scared her off, I told her I was worried about her running a mile and she said she wouldn't.

I'm seeing her tomorrow for my nephew's present giving, and I'm worried that it'll be the last time.  If she doesn't give me a second chance.  I'm terrified, I have a knot in my stomach the size of a melon - this compared to the excitement I get when I'm going to see her is not nice!