Another Day, Another Step

Today I went to Longleat with my SIL (her side) and my nephew.  It's another step in a direction I don't particularly want to be travelling in.  But one that I'm beginning to realise is my only option at this point.




We had a nice day, don't get me wrong, and to look at me here you'd never know of the heartache that is inside.

As One Direction so rightly said it's "All these little things" which are proving to be a problem.  I must be driving people mad talking about her all day - and I never did that before - why? Why on earth did it take her leaving me for me to realise how much I love her?  Things are definitely better at the moment, my mental health seems to have improved dramatically, perhaps it's because I'm being more independent, I don't know.  I just wish there was something we could've done soon, something we could've done together not apart.

Christmas is right around the corner now; and not only is Christmas, Christmas, it also happens to be our anniversary of when we got together.  8 years it would've been this year.  How 8 years can be thrown in a bin marked 'not worth the effort' I'll never know; I thought 8 years was enough to give someone a second chance; enough to try something together to see if something can be salvaged from the wreck that became our marriage.

I'm 23, I didn't ever want to be divorced, let alone before 25.  I feel like a failure - and I am.  I should have noticed the problems and done something about them.  She too is a failure for not discussing these problems with me; and for not giving me the opportunity to try to fix things after I was aware of the problem.

A conversation we had today through Facebook went like this -

Me - "I wish you were here"
Her - "I'm glad you guys went without me"
Me - "I miss you"
Her - "You'll see me soon"

I thought perhaps she may have missed me; but from a later text conversation it appears not.  I asked the stupid question of "do you ever think about us getting back together?" and I was gutted when the reply of "to be honest no I don't" came.  The words Stomach and Kicked come to mind.  Perhaps it was my fault for asking - I don't want her to lie to me.  I just have a strange feeling that she is; and she's just not willing to admit she has these feelings.

Tomorrow is another day of work; well, possible work; we shall see what comes, hopefully tomorrow will bring a big 7 hour job - well, I can dream can't I?