The Dangling Of A Carrot

Breaking all the rules today; thought since it's Christmas, not in my house, but everywhere else, I'd write a post at, nearly, lunchtime.  There'll probably be another tonight as well, as I'm sure something else will have happened by then.

I wrote yesterday about how I was a fool, well, now I think I'm a fool and an idiot.  I deleted her number, determined that if we weren't going to be friends and if she wasn't prepared to give me the opportunity to show her I have and will change, I wouldn't have a way of contacting her.  I also deactivated my Facebook account.  Sorted.  Switch phone off, have nice sleep, forget about Christmas.  No, couldn't just let me do that, fucking universe or fate or whatever the hell it is that insists on making me work my butt off for what I don't know.

She text me; saying she'd read my blog, and how everything had hit her, and she was sorry for how she'd treated me, she hadn't been very nice because I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.  She's right I didn't.  No, I don't.  But that was ok, because I thought that she'd see I'd changed and was continuing to change and she'd give me, the person who she swore in front of all our family and friends that she'd be with till death do us part, another chance.

I drove, this morning, all the way to where she lives, giving her the opportunity to come and see me, to talk, to look at me, to see what I was.  Did I think she'd come? Yes. Did she come? No.  I've concluded that I'm just an idiot.

She wouldn't have text me if she wasn't serious about giving us another chance.  Why would she? It would just be prolonging it.  So up I jumped this morning when I finally turned my phone on and wow! She's text me.  Shouldn't have turned the pissing thing on.  I'd be fine now, instead of wanting to punch something really, really hard.  I wish I had a punch bag at times like these.  Perhaps I'll invest in one.

She told me that she has some serious thinking to do, and she needs to do it alone.  That's fine, fair enough.  I said I'd still wait, in case she changed her mind, and that the dog, who I'd brought with me, wanted to see her.  So then, she throws 'change' at me.  I thought you said you'd changed, you said you'd give me space and you're not.  Brilliant, way to hit a girl in the gullet.

I asked her how long I'm expected to wait until she'd made her decision.  I don't know, was the reply.

Brilliant.

My mum once said to me a few years ago that I was dangling myself like a carrot.  I said I'd go and visit and then change my mind at the last minute.  It was a fair comment, and I've made a concious effort ever since to never to that again.  That saying really got me, and it's stuck with me ever since.  Now whenever I say I'm going to see her I make sure that I do, or if I do change, I make sure I go next time.  That saying constantly ringing in my ears.

I feel like that's what she's doing.  I'm doing everything possible to make her life easier, to change every aspect of myself which isn't good.  So that we can be together again.

And she's just dangling herself like a carrot, in front of me, then when I feel I'm getting close, she takes it away.

She may need time to think about what she wants, and whether me in her life is included in that.  But I can't be expected to wait forever.

Sad thing is, I probably will.