I have no idea why, but I keep checking my phone, hoping that she's text. I'd love a message, out of the blue from her, just so I know she's thinking about me. I guess what I'm kind of worried about is if I give her her space, will she just not think about me? I don't know what she's thinking. I know that she is all I am thinking about. What we can do together. How I can make sure I don't go back to my old, nasty self. I don't want that for me, let alone her. That's how I can guarantee her that it won't happen, because I will never let myself get like that again, with or without her.
I said to her the other day about moving to somewhere different when we get back from travelling. I suggested Brighton and she said she didn't really care as long as it wasn't where we are now. On the way to take my SIL home that night, she asked me if I'd really move to Brighton. Because I've always been adamant that I wouldn't leave my home town. I said that I would move to Brighton. In fact, my exact words were "Yep, I'd move to the other side of the world to be with her". And I'd be really sorry to leave everyone else behind. But as my dad always says, there's planes and there's trains. I'd Skype everyone all the time. It would be hard, but it would certainly be do-able. Especially if she'd be there.
She told me last night that everything I am offering her now is all she ever wanted. Some space, spend time with friends, see the world together. I know I'm a bit late on all this, but it's really like a fog has lifted and I can now see the world, and my life for what it was and what it is. I don't agree that it's too late. Surely it's better late than never. If it's really all she ever wanted, and it's what I want now too, it would be amazing to do it all together. Totally amazing. It would blow my mind and make my year, no, my life. It would make every little bit of heartache worthwhile.
No one will understand the picture, but she will.
She also said that memories aren't easily forgotten. I don't want her to forget the bad memories, and I don't want to either. I want to use them to keep us on track. To keep me looking at the wonderful life I could have. To keep her telling me if she thinks I'm slipping. I want to make new memories, and the old ones will fade. A lot worse than this happened during our first year together, and those memories aren't forgotten. They've just faded. A lot.
I feel better again, because I'm determined to give her everything she wants, everything she ever wanted. She wants space, she's got it. She wants me, she's got it. Anything she wants, she can have. I'm strong now, and I can give her what she needs. She looked after me for too long, now it's my turn to look after her.
I hope I win the Euromillions tonight. Then I'll book tickets to the sun tomorrow. We can leave all this crap behind us. And start a fresh.
Good night bloggers, I'll let you know tomorrow if I won.
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