I had an appointment with a member of the mental heath team to discuss me getting DBT - Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. This is a highly intense course of therapy which lasts a considerable number of years and is designed to retrain your brain to deal with stress and trauma.
Back in June of this year, I had been assessed as needing this therapy, but we, yes a joint decision, had decided that it would change my personality, and that was something neither of us wanted - back then. Well after the recent events and the realisation of what I'd become I was totally up for having this DBT. And I thought I'd get it too, based on my earlier assessment.
The meeting with the therapist went a little something like this;
Me - I'd really like to have DBT to sort out the issues which have been highlighted for me and which I now see as very negative traits about my personality.
T - And which traits are they?
Me - I'd become self absorbed, self indulgent, lazy, paranoid, jealous, angry.
T - You say that in past tense?
Me - Yes, well, since she left, I've actually been feeling a lot better.
T - *confused look on face* Ok, and have you been dealing with the separation?
Me - Yes, I was gutted the first few days and then I felt better, better than I had in a long time, I no longer wake up thinking "How do I feel today?" I automatically know it's going to be an alright day.
T - *Still looking very confused*
Me - I know it's not normal, I don't understand it myself
T - It certainly isn't the reaction we'd have anticipated, based on your history and past assessments
Me - I know, I don't understand it either, I'm worried that it's going to smack me in the face any day now.
T - I don't think that will happen, you dealt with the initial shock during the first few days, it seems like you are intent on bettering yourself, and that's a really positive outlook.
Me - I know, I feel good about doing it, and I'd really like DBT to help me overcome issues that I can't deal with myself...
Basically she said that I no longer needed DBT, nor fit the requirements, so even if she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to refer me as I was not at risk. Since I am feeling so good, we discussed the possibility of me coming off my meds (anti-psychotic and antidepressants). She said to go back in a couple of weeks if I was still feeling this way and we'd begin to reduce the dosage! Result!
People's perceptions and predictions - Wife leaves, Nikki feels helpless, useless, unloved and as if there is nothing to live for, cue numerous self harm attempts and possible attempts at suicide. Predictions are that I have to be passed from pillar to post with my medications kept away from me and given to me in controlled doses.
What actually happened - Wife leaves, Nikki feels helpless, useless, unloved and as if there is nothing to live for, mopes for 2 days, throws away most of her belongings, nicely packs up the other ones stuff, picks herself up, begins to rebuild her completely shattered life.
No one expected me to cope with this, and I don't know why, because I didn't either, but it makes me sad to think that everyone expected me to crumble. How had I let myself become what I was? How had I allowed people to view me as a weak, delicate individual? We were both to blame for that. Not just me. Not just her.
Yesterday, I wrote about how we'd had a normal conversation through text and on the phone. Well, today that continued.
After my session I rang her to update her on what had happened.
Me - They said I don't need DBT, they said I don't meet the requirements any more.
Her - For f***s sake, why can't they just give you what you need?
Me - No, no, no, you've got it wrong, I ACTUALLY don't need it any more, I'm not down any more and I feel much better...
Her - Oh right, that's good, makes me think I did the right thing then
Me - You did the right thing in leaving, but not on ending our marriage...
It continued in this normal way for 10 minutes. Then we continued to text for an hour or so, random stuff; perhaps I'll update on that tomorrow.
BUT - She's coming to mine on the weekend to help me clean our Beardies out; She's coming to mine Christmas Eve to see our nephew; and she may come out with me over the weekend for a drink and to play some pool.
That's got to be good hasn't it?
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