"Can you stop liking stuff on my Facebook if you don't want to talk to me, because it just makes me think you fucking do"
"Fine, I'll fucking delete you then"
"Fucking go for it"
I regret that the minute I wrote it. I text her, after she'd deleted and blocked me from Facebook, to say I was sorry and that I didn't mean it. She ignored me. I text her this morning when I woke up saying I was really sorry and that I didn't want things to be crap between us. She text me back saying OK. I told her I wanted to be friends and she said she now didn't, because as long as she was around I won't move on, or something along those lines. I told her that I would, that it wasn't her problem any more, and that I wanted her in my life in one capacity rather than none. We're now trying the friend thing.
In some ways I've had a really crappy day, yet I feel better now. Now that I know we're going to try to be friends. I realised this morning that I'd hit my peak way too young. People normally meet the person who is their 'other half' the person who appears to complete the mould at 30-40 years old. Normally their 3rd or 4th serious relationship. Well I happened to find it in my first. I wonder if anyone will ever be able to compete with our similarities? I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who wants to do exactly what I want to do. Who will laugh at the same things on telly. Who loves the same comedians. Who likes psychological thrillers and horror films. Who finds mass death incredibly interesting, to the point they want to research every aspect of the event, including all the gory photo's and videos they can find. I could go on, but I won't. I hope I will. Because right now, all I feel is that no one will ever meet the standards. Do I settle for less than I had? Or do I look for as long as it takes to find her equal.
This all sounds ridiculous coming out of a 23 year old. If someone told me I'd be here saying this about us when we first got together I'd have laughed in their face. But I can only write it how it feels.
Sometimes I wish I'd never met her. Or wish we'd never taken it further than friends. I wouldn't have to list myself as separated rather than single. I wouldn't have to worry about someone not meeting the standards I've been used to. I wouldn't have to worry that no one will ever 'fit' as well as she did.
I gotta start moving on. There's loads of ways to go about it. I'm just not sure which one is right for me yet. I've gotten used to being on my own. I no longer dread going to bed. I've had the bad dream, and survived without the cuddle. I can roll fags faster than my SIL now. I can look at something that I think she'd like and not get angry or upset by it. The only thing that still gets me is if I don't know what's going on. I need to know where I stand, where she stands, where we stand, without any bullshit. I don't want to be protected from the truth. Although I'm not ready to hear she's sleeping with/seeing someone else.
I also wish she'd never told me that a song spoke her feelings, because now I hit repeat and let it beat me down instead of hearing it from her own mouth.
Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it'll bring new bedding with it!
No comments:
Post a Comment