First Home

Before the end of the month, we will be moving.  This is our first home, first time without parents.  First time in control of the remote!

On a more serious note, it's been stressful.  My mood has sprung up and down a lot these past few weeks and I'm finding it more difficult to hide it.  Suffering in silence is harder than it seems.  The Mrs is also depressed at the moment, due to guilt read about it in the previous post,  thinking she doesn't deserve me?!? And worrying I'll leave her, again ?!?!?.  So much of my mental energy has been taken up by ensuring she's ok and feeling secure, and attempting to make her happy or at least see the positive side of things.

Ultimately this all has a toll on me, but hey, it's my time to carry her.  I told her last week that "it's the least I can do coz when I fell you pulled me through, so you know that I'll carry you"

I hate seeing her down, that gets to me as well.  I worry that I can't make her happy, but to be truthful, until we had all this stress we were happy.  So I hope that when we've settled into our new home both our moods will pick up.  We're both extremely excited as well.  Can't leave that out.  It's our first home, we've had so much fun choosing all our furniture and I'm sure we'll have double the fun during the late nights it's going to take us to put it together

I Need An Outlet

So, here I am again; 8 months down the line.

I should've updated sooner, I know.

A week or so after my last blog post, she came home.  We had a heart to heart, I told her I didn't believe she was truly happy; and she wasn't.  She didn't admit to it at first, in fact it took her several days, but she eventually told me she was leaving him.  She said it wasn't a matter of me or him, he was a somebody who could've been anybody, he was someone who was there, someone who wanted her when she needed to feel wanted.  So we became a couple again.

Honestly it's been great.  It's been a huge relief having the weight of paranoia and jealously that used to hand over me lifted.  I haven't wanted to check her phone, I haven't stopped her from going out, I haven't even not wanted her to go out with friends, it just felt fine, normal, okay.

Well now it's not.  All that work I did, all that trust I worked so hard on is gone; I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair since May.  I don't think I've ever felt this level of betrayal in all my life.  I'm so angry - but not with her.  Not with him either, I'm not one of the people who just blames the other person and sees no fault in their own partner.  I don't really know why I'm not angry at her.  I still have an overwhelming urge to love her, to protect her and to make her happy.

She says she's sorry, that it was just sex and that it didn't mean anything.  A part of me doesn't believe this.  There is photographic evidence that tells me otherwise, it tells me she enjoyed it, she felt comfortable with him, and it makes me sick.  Physically sick.

I had forgiven her before we'd even finished talking.  There wasn't a question, I didn't need time to decide, I just let it happen; I'm not going to fight how I feel, I've learned to just roll with it and let things happen.  I am happy when I'm with her, at the moment I'm also angry and I feel sick, but the happiness is still there.

I'm not done on this subject, and I guess I've returned as this is a positive outlet for my feelings, rather than other negative outlets which I've been known to turn to in the past.

This isn't addressed at anyone in particular, it isn't written for anyone.  It's purely as an outlet for these pent up feelings that I have.

Thanks for reading as always, feel free to share and comment.

I am no longer a mug

Today; the 13th of January 2013 I am no longer a mug.  I will no longer have feet wiped on my face.  I will no longer be the person who is laughed at, for doing everything, for trying everything, when it was all pointless.

I am going NC - No Contact.  I don't want to here her name, I don't want to see anything of hers, I don't want anyone to tell me anything about her.  I'm doing this for me.  I need to 'fall out of love' with her.  And in order to do that I need no contact.

Unfortunately I will have things around me that will remind me for some time.  I read earlier on a break up forum that it's always easier for them to move on, since they're with new people, new furnishings, new location etc etc etc.  They don't have to sleep in the same bed, or look at the same sofa, or walk through the same front door.  It must be a whole lot easier for them.

I'm going to try to find things to fill my time, because every second that I'm not doing something I'm thinking about them together and it makes me sick.  It makes me sick to think he gets to see all the things only I saw, and do all the things only I did.  I can't see them staying together long anyway, not that it matters, at all.  She has too many flaws for a young man to deal with, they're immature as it is.  He also sounds controlling already - and doesn't trust her - and it's only been a few weeks.  Yes that's all I was worth was two weeks.  Took her a real long time didn't it.  I don't believe she even waited that long.  Someone on her Facebook asked her on the 8th - 3 days after she left, if she was 'shagging' him, she didn't say no either.  Just asked where he'd heard it.  I'd rather believe she didn't cheat on me.  That there was still some truth that came from her mouth.

I just feel like a total fool, who was taken for a ride, and who has probably been laughed at.  That hurts more than anything.  And I'll never forgive her for that.

This is the last post talking about her, or having anything to do with her.  I will not mention her again.  Not until 2 years down the line when I'm telling you all I'm filing for divorce!

Tomorrow will be a better day, as my mother said in the very early hours of this morning, you've hit rock bottom now, the only way is up.

A Very Pleasant Day

I didn't write a post yesterday, because I was so tired after building all my furniture, cleaning and organising my stuff, then I cooked two huge pots of food; bolognese and chicken soup/stew.

Here are the recipes as promised!

Bolognese - Slimmers World Style

500g EXTRA lean minced beef
200g Closed Cup Mushrooms
Large onion
400g tin of chopped tomatoes
1 clove of garlic
Fry light
1 beef oxo cube
Dried Herbs
Splash of Worcestershire sauce

So I cooked the onion and the garlic, which were both finely chopped, I stirred them until they were soft, then I added the minced beef until it had browned, I left these cooking for about 5 minutes together so that the mince would take on the flavour of the onion and the garlic.  Next I added the chopped tomatoes, dried herbs, oxo cube and a splash of Worcestershire sauce, I let these cook for a further 5-10 minutes before adding the very finely chopped mushrooms.  I haven't actually tasted it yet, but I can imagine it's going to need a fair amount of salt and pepper because the Dolmio sauce I normally use has salt, sugar, preservatives etc in it all ready.

Chicken Stew/Soup

3 Chicken breasts
3 Leeks
1/2 Swede
8-10 Carrots
6-8 potatoes
Large onion
2 large stalks of broccoli
Chicken Oxo cubes
Vegetable Oxo cubes
Bisto Chicken gravy

I cut all of the veg into large chunks as I like it to cook for a long time so all the veg soaks up the stock.  I placed all of the veg, minus the broccoli into the pot.  I filled up 1 pint of water with 2 chicken stock cubes dissolved in it and poured it onto the veg, I filled a second pint of water with 2 vegetable stock cubes and tipped it onto the veg.  Finally I made 1/2 a pint of Bisto Chicken gravy, as instructed and poured that on top too.  The pan was now almost full to the brim.  I let it cook for an hour or so.  Next I fried off the chicken in a small amount of fry light, let the cool and tore them into thin strips.  Finally I placed all of the broccoli on top of the veg, it didn't immerse in the stock as there was so much veg, so it sort of steamed itself on the top!  Finally when it was all cooked I divided it half and half - half as it was as stew and then I blended half of it to make chicken soup!  This does require salt and pepper to taste, but is lovely.  I think next time though I will use beef Bisto gravy, as it has more flavour and makes the stock thicker.

I had a lovely day with her today.  Just as friends.  I think because I wasn't worrying about trying to make her 'fall in love' with me again, we just relaxed and had a good time.  I was expecting her to stay for 2-3 hours max, but she didn't, I picked her up at 11 and dropped her back between 5.30 and 6.  First we talked for a bit, how life is going etc, what's been happening at work blah blah, then we had lunch, my chicken stew!  Next we went to Tesco (she needed to go) and then Argos (I needed to go).  When we came back, we both, yes both, made some fags and took the dog for a 15-20 minute walk.  I thought after that she would want to go home, it was probably about 1pm, maybe 2 at a push, but I said I'd burn some CD's for her, while I was waiting for the CD to download I suggested we put the TV on, we ended up watching a film - it was diabolically crap!  So crap, I can't even remember the name of it!!  But we kept pausing it to talk.  The 90 minute film probably took us around double that to watch!  Then I took her to the cash point so she could get some money to get a cab to work tomorrow, I said I'd pick her up, but she said she'd get money for a taxi just in case I don't get up.  I'll be up, don't you worry about that!

Tomorrow is comedy night with the SIL - very excited, can't wait!

Measurements, Bedroom and Her

As of tomorrow, when I officially begin the Slimming World lifestyle (not diet!) I will post my recipes and foods that I've eaten, also the exercise that I've undertaken that day.  Then on Thursdays (my meeting day) I will post my weight loss and measurement loss.

I measured today; my chest is 43", my waist is 38" and my stomach is 45".  I'm not bothering to measure anything else, as I don't really think anywhere else is really an issue, my arms aren't that big, neither are my legs, my thighs will undoubtedly lose some, and they need too, but I'm not going there, it'll be one more thing I will forget!

My extra set of bedroom furniture arrived today, along with my wall sticker, so as soon as that is all up and built I will post pictures of the, actually, finished room! Although the paintwork etc. is finished for now, the room isn't complete without the finishing touches!

Today, hmm, I've felt very mixed, I was really tense this afternoon and I'm not sure why, had a good morning, and a good evening, just an angry afternoon!  I did appear to sleep better last night, I think I only woke up once, and then I woke early this morning as well.

The clock on my wall keeps moving, turning or twisting to the side, I corrected it twice yesterday, and I've just looked at it and it's crooked again.  Strange.  Very strange.

I am looking forward to seeing her on Sunday, I'm not sure if it's her company I miss now.  We do enjoy exactly the same things, so it could well be.  I hope we have a good time on Sunday.  Even though it will only be as friends.  That's good enough for me.  I've burned her a copy of her favourite TV show at the moment, we missed the first season, so I've found it and burned it for her.  I thought about it, and decided that it wasn't outside the 'friendzone' as I'd do it for any of my other friends too.  They'd just probably have to ask first!

Oh and the bloody delivery man who brought my furniture today left great big dirty footprints all over my new rug!  Not very impressed at all!